My Shortcomings.

On Day 100, I came out.

Out of the Sober Closet. I posted my blog post on my own facebook page. 

It just seemed time to just get it over with.

No more little white lies about why I'm not drinking, no more raised eyebrows (probably imagined), just an acceptance that I no longer drink, and hopefully that means a better selection of non alcoholic beverages next time I am invited out. (hint, if you are reading)

So the majority of my lovely friends were just as supportive as my blogger family. People politely didn't say "I KNEW it!!"

One lady posted a comment on facebook.

"Well done Jackie, lots of people don't admit to their shortcomings"

I know she was being supportive. I know she was being kind.

And I'm not offended at all.

But it does reinforce the notion that if you are dependent on alcohol, it is your failing. That you are somehow weak and irresponsible.

I must admit here, that until my own ride with addiction, I was quite judgmental about smokers.

"What a filthy habit. Why don't they just stop? So and So is always telling me how broke she is, but she still finds the cash for the ciggies"

Karma. She's a bitch, but a fair bitch.

So I graciously accepted the compliment in the way it was intended.

And I continue to work on my shortcomings.

Have a great day,

WB xx

Not Drunk Enough.

"But you only drank wine...not the hard stuff. For God's sake, they practically drink wine for breakfast in Europe"

But I drank a lot of wine, sometimes more than a bottle at a time......

"That's not much, that's only about four glasses, and if you drink two of them with dinner.. 

Actually, a bottle is about 6 units, according to Canada Health.

"Oh, the government. Since when did you care what the Government says?

Since they told me that my drinking could cause about six different types of cancer, diabetes, dementia....and besides, it makes me feel like shit"

Oh, pu-leeassse ....You feel like shit? A headache in the morning? You don't even drink the hard stuff!

Oh, you'd prefer it if I drank a bottle of vodka a day?

Well, at least that would be a real fucking problem!

Let's get this straight - you don't think I have a problem?

Only if being an uptight whiny bitch who needs some attention is a problem! Other people have real problems, you know, hunger? War? Poverty? Even people right here on Vancouver Island have more problems than you...

I know that people have many terrible problems, much worse than mine, but still, my wine drinking was a real issue, it was affecting my life! My business! My marriage!

Oh, come on....you think he wants to be with some boring bitch who can't have any fun? He didn't sign up for all this sober shit !

It's better now! He's proud!

He's embarrassed! And what about that blog? What kind of fucking hero do you think you are? You're not some kind of addictions counselor!

I know who you are.

YOU DON"T KNOW SHIT! You're just a middle-aged Drama Queen who needs some attention, and thinks her little "wine drinking" problem is IMPORTANT!

I know who you are.

WHO I AM??? WHO I AM?? You don't even know who you are! You think you're some kind of ALCOHOLIC?

Yes

YOU WERE NEVER DRUNK ENOUGH TO BE PART OF MY CLUB!!! 

I know who you are. And I know you're scared.

ME? SCARED? 

Yes, Every time I refuse a glass of wine, every time I wake up full of love and joy, every time one person reads my blog, or other blogs and decides that it's time to cut down a little, or give up entirely, every time someone congratulates me for being sober, one more day......you fade a little. Die a little....until one day, your voice with be so faint, that I can barely hear you. So until then, you obscenity, you will scream and roar.......but your days are numbered. Soon you will be no more.

 

Day 100. Simple.

Day 100 - A letter to myself of 101 days ago.

Dear Jackie,

You're feeling pretty low at the moment. Another day with a hangover. Another unproductive day. Another day despising yourself. You won't believe it right now, because you are too scared and tired, but life is about to change. In 100 days, life will be transformed.

• You will acknowledge that you are an Alcoholic. Dysfunctional Drinker. Drunk. Lush. It won't matter what label you use. You will have stopped comparing your drinking to those around you. You will stop telling yourself that 'So and so drinks so much more than me, I must be Ok". You're not. Once you start you can't stop. When was the last time you had just one glass of wine? Never. You have no "Stop Button". But you do have a "Don't Start" button. And over the next 100 days, you will be amazed at how effective that button is. Simple.

• You're worried about all those social occasions, where the wine flows freely. What will people say when you refuse wine? What will you say? Will they think you are boring? Will they think you have a problem? News Alert Princess! You do have a problem. Firstly, your health, your work, your whole life is way more important than what a few people think. And here's the thing...you're not that special!!Over the next 100 days, you'll go out as normal, you'll even go camping. And you know what? No one will care if you drink wine or not. Oh, you may have to tell a couple of white lies "Oh, I've given up because I get terrible heartburn", so what? . You'll have a fun time, you will chat and laugh as usual.....and you will drive home and remember it all in the morning! Simple!

•  You'll still going to be in debt in 100 days. The Debt, like all of life's other problems won't magically disappear. But for starters, the $15 per day that you spent on wine will have stopped. So that's $1500 right there. And because you are not wallowing in self-pity and Merlot, you'll remember to transfer money at the right time, and the cash haemorrhage due to NSF charges, and late payment charges will stop. Your business won't have taken off quite yet, but you will be gaining traction, and the quality of your work will have improved. You'll start to feel quite proud of what you do. Simple.

• You''ll stop beating yourself up about all the fuck-ups you made in the past. All those drunken evenings getting worked up about that toxic relationship, those stupid business mistakes, and the drunken rants on facebook? Waking up at 3 am, dehydrated and guilt-ridden, checking your phone, email and social media, to see what you said this time? That will stop. You'll forgive yourself. You'll move on.Simple.

• Sorry to disappoint you, but that 30lbs in excess weight that you're carrying? It won't disappear. You've abused your body for over a decade, did you think it would be fixed in 100 days? Get Real. But your skin will be clearer than it's ever been. You'll be sleeping.....yes real refreshing sleep. You will enjoy food. You won't be stressing about one fucking piece of cake, even though you are putting 4200 extra wine calories in your body every fricking week! How crazy is that! Towards the end of the 100 days, you will start to hear what your body is telling you. That it needs a glass of water. Or "tonight I'd like some fresh leafy greens" and because you won't be drowning out that voice with alcohol - you'll actually listen and act. Your body will thank you by becoming less puffy, and finally the scales will start to move in the right direction. Simple.

• You will re-connect with a friend. You're feeling all hurt and annoyed right now. But she was the only one who knew. The only one who called you on your bullshit. She probably saved your life. So you'll finally stop being a whiny princess, and you'll have tea with her. It will be nice. She waited for you to get over yourself. Thank her. It's Simple.

• You will start to make a difference. You will write a blog and by Day 100, nearly 10,000 people every month will look at it. Some will leave comments. They will be inspirational and supportive. This blog, and all the other bloggers will keep you going, with words of wisdom, their own beautiful, uplifting stories. You will make new friends. It will be a quiet revolution, and you will be part of it. Remember that you used to want to change the world? Leave your mark? You will. You just didn't know how. Now you do. Simple.

• You'll stop looking at your husband and wondering if he regrets marrying you. He's always been supportive and loyal. Now you'll be making him proud. Simple.

 Lastly, Jackie, you will start to like yourself a bit. Oh, you'll still fuck up on occasion, say the wrong thing, make the wrong decision. Be all hot-headed and swear too much. You'll still procrastinate (can't blame it all on the vino - sorry!), and you won't be perfect. But life will be less stressful and complicated. Guilt will no longer be your default emotion.

Simply by putting down the bottle

Love Jackie.
xx

P.S. ( 2019) This day - Day 100- was the real beginning for me. Four years on and I'm loving my Sober Life. If you would like some support for your first 100 Days, I and the wonderful ladies in my group would love to help you. Check out the program details here.

Day 98 - Just Routine.

Day 98.

All our visitors have left.

The boat is still in my driveway. My initial excitement when I heard a motor running was short-lived. There are Still Things to be Fixed.

My husband has promised me a boat trip as soon as it’s sea worthy. I am holding him to that promise.

In the meantime, he is on a quest for mysterious “boat parts” and I have a Saturday stretched out in front of me with no particular plans or obligations.

It’s a lovely feeling. I have about half a pot of coffee left, just for me, and I am sitting at my computer desk, still in my PJ’s.

I have a whole list of stuff I could do;

I could continue writing content for my new business course

I could write a couple of business blogs and schedule them to be published

I could spend a couple of hours in the garden weeding and cleaning out vegetable beds.

I could pick blackberries before they are completely over and freeze them. Or make a pie.

I could clean the house.

I could declutter another corner/closet/drawer.

I could find our sleeping bags and camping gear to get ready for our boating trip.

The possibilities are not endless.

I will not change the world today, with my list.

The house is quiet. I have another coffee.

I revel in ordinary.

I revel in mundane.

I revel in routine.

Have a great weekend 

WB xx

All the Cool People are Sober...

I am on a deadline to get some work done for a client, so I have naturally taken a break to read some blogs and surf around cyberspace, to make absolutely SURE that I will be working to the last bitter minute to meet my deadline.

(Apparently, my procrastination cannot be blamed entirely on wine..)

And these are some gems that I discovered while "researching" on social media.

"Booze is shit and all the cool people are sober" , Lotta Dann, aka Mrs D.

And this one, buried in a blog from Kim Duke, lovely Canadian business coach. It spoke to me on lots of levels, including right now as I'm so close to finishing this pile of paperwork.

Don't Quit 
by Anonymous

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is weird with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure has turned about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far.

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seems worse,
That you must not quit.

And now lovely people, I really have to get my stuff done.

WB xx

Day ? Maggie & Arthur

Ooh, I actually had to check back to see what day it is. No, I know it's Tuesday, I meant what Sober Day - and it's 94.

For my bedtime reading, I've been revisiting my youth, and finding out all the stuff I didn't know about Mrs Thatcher. For example, I didn't know that she actually caused the Falkland's War, by an ill-judged approval to cut the defence budget which sent a signal to Argentina that she didn't care about defending the Falklands...big oops.
Anyhow, yesterday evening, I snuggled down with Mrs T, and who should join us, but Arthur Scargill!!
I had totally forgotten about him!

(Quick 1980's British Politics 101 - Mrs T (right wing saviour/mad woman, depending on your politics, determined to rid Britain of the "socialist scum" v Arthur Scargill , Marxist revolutionary/Luddite (again dependent on your point of view) - Big Showdown over coal mine closures. Mrs. T got the clear victory, Arthur Scargill slunk off to who knows where, the big losers were the manipulated miners)

Mrs T came to power in 1979 when I was eleven, and was booted out when I was twenty one.

You either Loved Her or Hated Her.

My Dad Loved Her. And I Loved to wind him up.

I delighted in provoking him. I wore CND * badges, quoted Karl Marx, wore "Free Nelson Mandela T-Shirt - ANYTHING to provoke a reaction!

My poor mum, one evening shouted "For God's sake! Can't we have just ONE family dinner without an argument?"

It was AWESOME!!

It all stopped when British politics slithered down into the cesspool of soundbites and spin doctors, and it was hard to figure out who stood for what, but for the best part of a decade, I squared off against my Dad - neither of us was for turning!!

Last night I was reminded about all these larger than life characters, who, at least had convictions.

I tried to remember what my convictions were. Did they slither into that same cesspool? Did I drown them with wine?

It's been a long time since I sharpened my debating skills, it's been a long time since I had a spark of passion to motivate me. Alcohol Induced Apathy.

But last night, as I relived the tumultuous 1980's, I remembered what it was like.

WB xx

* CND - Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament.



 

Goldilocks and the Three Liars

About eighteen months before I ditched the Witch and became the Bitch, I suffered with a bout of vertigo.
The main symptom of vertigo, is a horrible unbalanced feeling, even when you're sober.
The first time I experienced this, it was possible that I was still drunk from the night before, so when I swayed and had to catch onto the bathroom sink to stop me falling over when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, I just mentally filed the experience away, and didn't mention it to anyone.
The next time was first thing in the morning, and it was a rare morning after an alcohol free day.
When I was walking down the hallway, I staggered, and my husband thought I was having a stroke.

One visit to the doctors, and he diagnosed vertigo.

During the consultation, he asked me that question..

How much do you drink?

Without even blinking I answered

Oh I have a couple of glasses of wine, about four times a week

Poppycock! ( I have waited a long time to use that word)

Of course I lied. I lied to my doctor, my friends, my co-workers, myself  about how much I was drinking.

But here's the weird thing. I lied because I was embarrassed about how much I was drinking, and because I was in denial.

And there is a stigma associated with drinking too much and having a "problem".
As we all know.

NOW, I lie about NOT drinking.

Oh I've given up because I get so much heartburn/ I'm on a diet/ doing a challenge for charity/insert your own excuse here

OR, I surreptitiously drink AF beer or wine, so that no -one notices. (A kind of lying, I think)

And the reason I am lying?

Because there is a stigma associated with NOT drinking!

It's like the three bears :

One Bear Drank FAR TOO MUCH!
One Bear Drank NOTHING AT ALL!

And the last Bear Drank "JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT!!

Except the last Bear is a BIG HAIRY LIAR!!

Just food (porridge) for thought xx