What am I Against?

Sometimes people tell me that I'm "anti-alcohol". That may have been true in the early days of sobriety, but not so much now. Here's what I am against now..

What am I against?

WBxx

All the Others...

Watch out for "nuns" and "frolicking" in the same sentence in this post. Waited a long time to get those two words in a (relevant) sentence

All The Others

WB xx

I'll be the one in the corner with a colander on my head..

OK, I get it. I"M the crazy one...

I'll be the one in the corner with a colander on my head..

WBxx

Are YOU a Dysfunctional Drinker?

How would you know? What are the signs?

Are YOU a Dysfunctional Drinker?

WB xx

Getting Sober Part 1 - What kind of Drunk am I?

Looking back.....what I experienced and what I learned...

Getting Sober Part 1 - What Kind of Drunk Am 1


WB xx

Effortlessly Sober?

Someone left a lovely comment on one of my posts a while back. It said something along the lines of "you seem so together"

And I am beginning to feel 'together'.

But it wasn't like that for a long time.

A few years after emigrating to Canada, my relationship ended, after fifteen years. I ended it. It was the right decision. But my drinking problem (that I kept firmly under control, apart from a few lapses), spiraled.

I made bad decision after bad decision, including a particularly toxic rebound relationship. And I doused everything in copious amounts of wine.

Very soon, my already floundering career in Real Estate rolled to halt (thanks in part to the recession, and to my lack of interest and permanent hangover), so the small amount of cash that I had received from the relationship break up, was quickly gone.

I ended up working in a Beer and Wine Store (cruel irony), and it was easy to compare my "enthusiastic wine appreciation" against the "real alcoholics' that frequented the store.

In private, I vowed again and again that I wouldn't drink so much. And every time, I failed to make good on the promises I had made to myself.

Eventually, I convinced myself that I was drinking "due to the stress" and once I had got my life under control, the drinking would stop...all by itself...

The happiest intervention by the Universe (or God), who clearly decided I needed a break, was to put my now husband firmly in my path.
Thank God I wasn't too drunk to notice!

My drinking continued, but I justified it to myself by '..it's happy drinking!"

Physically, I was beginning to notice that I was forgetting things. Like whole conversations. Or getting to bed. And I was worried about weird pains in my arms. Some nights I would wake up, dehydrated, and worry about having a stroke, or a heart attack.

So I tried to stop.

I tried to only drink on weekends.

I switched to beer

I switched from beer to white wine.

I challenged myself to not drink for two weeks.

I tried to stop FOR GOOD, again and again and again.

I put crosses on the calendar for all the days I didn't drink, hoping that there would be more crosses than not, at the end of every month. There never were.

I read sober literature (as I was drinking wine)

I googled 'Am I an Alcoholic" and lied my way through countless questionnaires.

And then finally, I stopped.

No DUIs, no interventions from my very patient husband, no medical emergencies. I can't even tell you what I was thinking.

On Day Three I started this Blog. I had no idea if I would make it to Day 4 or Day 10....or Day 100.

So why share this now?

Because I read so many blogs where people are reverting back to Day 1 and feel so shitty about it. I read the desperation, the panic and think to myself......I remember that...

If you read my blog and think "wow, she seems so together", I thank you. I really take that as a compliment.

But there is only one difference between you and me.......I wasn't brave enough to blog about all the times when I smacked up against the wall of alcohol. I wasn't brave enough to share the times I had to pick myself up , feeling shitty and desperate that I wouldn't make it. But you ARE brave enough to share that. Thank you.

You are all an inspiration to me. And I know that you are all going to make it.

WBxx

What's Black and White and Blue all Over?

I love the clarity that sobriety brings. My life back in focus. The sharp, defining edges of decisions made, tasks completed, priorities set.
But with my sober clear- sightedness comes a new grey fuzzy area.

Nothing is black and white anymore.

I used to know what an addict is...

 the thin hollowed out, pock marked derelict on the government posters.

I used to know what an alcoholic is..

The bag lady drinking cheap cider hidden in a paper bag

I used to know how to react when someone is arrested for a DUI

How irresponsible.....

Now, the addict could be that guy in a suit in the line up at the bank, maybe (he was sniffing excessively).....

The alcoholic? That well dressed lady with two bottles of wine ( she spent a long time explaining about her dinner party to the check out girl)

The DUI?

Thank God I never got caught.....

( a penguin holding it's breath )

WB xx.

Kick the Sh*t out of Bullsh*t.

These are my Top Bullshit Reasons for Not Quitting Booze....they may be your reasons too.

• I'm still Quite Thin.

Despite the gazillion calories in wine, I managed to stay thin for a number of years. This was because I lived on my own and didn't eat. I was also in a very toxic relationship, so I was continually stressed. Therefore, I was thin and I equated that with being healthy. Total Bullshit.
 I ignored that fact that I was 'puffy", my skin was blotchy (as that much ignored vital organ tried desperately to flush poison out of my body), I had dark rings round my eyes because I tended to pass out rather than sleep, I suspect that my breath and my body smelled of stale wine most of the time, I ignored all but the essential daily grooming.
But hey, I was still thin.......
 

• All My Friends Drink More than Me.

Well, for me that may or may not be true. I certainly spent a great deal of time at social gathering trying to assess how much each person was drinking, and whether I was drinking more or less than them. That's not weird at all, right?
Putting aside my obsession with other people's habits, the fact remained that I was drinking too much for me.
If I needed proof of this, all I had to do was wait until the next morning, and then try to piece together conversations that I'd had the night before...conversations that everyone else remembered.
But, at least I didn't drink as much as them.... 

• My Husband/Wife/Significant Other Drinks. 

 Yes, so does mine. A lot less, now that I'm not arriving home every night with two bottles of wine - red for him, white for me (he would have two glasses at the most, so I got to finish his bottle too). He now has a couple of glasses of whisky at the weekends.
He was relieved when I stopped. I imagined that he would be disappointed not to have a drinking partner. But as he said..." I don't want a drinking partner, I want my wife".
If your partner doesn't react in a similarly positive way......get another partner. I'm serious.

• I won't get Invited Anywhere Because I'm Not Fun.

You won't get invited to boozy evenings where you get to stand around with a bunch of drunk people. Drunk people are BORING. When you are drinking, you are boring too. As was I.
Be thankful, do something else (we do lots now, for instance, this weekend, we visited the local museum that I have never set foot in before, we went for a hike and we went to the movies to see 'Bridge of Spies, which was excellent, but be my guest, go and party, get drunk and spend the day on the couch...ooh that sounds fun...)

• I will lose all my Friends.

Good. Get new ones. If you are a "friend" because you drink, then, my friend ..you are not a 'friend", you are a "drinking buddy".
I shed several toxic relationships. Feels good. Doors are slammed shut on those people.

• I Don't know how to Cope if I don't drink......

 Aaahhhh. The REAL reasons.

I can help with this one. The real fact is that you learn to cope for the first time ever. Because you are not numbing your brain with booze, you deal with stuff. And when you deal with stuff, it goes away, and you don't have to worry about it, ergo......you don't need to "cope" with it.
It's a beautiful circle. You deal with the small stuff, you get more confident, and when the Big Stuff happens...guess what? You can cope.....

Sheryl Sandberg is one of my heroes. Not only is she the youngest business woman to ever become a billionaire (COO of Facebook), a writer, a champion of women's issues and rights all over the world....she recently lost her husband in a tragic accident. And this is what she said (paraphrasing).

"Living my life with David was my Option A. I didn't want an Option B. But that's what I got. So now I'm kicking the shit out of Option B, in his honour"

Option A for lots of us would be the ability to occasionally have a glass of wine, a cold beer. But we've been given Option B. Let's kick the shit out of it.


 
 






 
 
 

Not Drunk Enough.

"But you only drank wine...not the hard stuff. For God's sake, they practically drink wine for breakfast in Europe"

But I drank a lot of wine, sometimes more than a bottle at a time......

"That's not much, that's only about four glasses, and if you drink two of them with dinner.. 

Actually, a bottle is about 6 units, according to Canada Health.

"Oh, the government. Since when did you care what the Government says?

Since they told me that my drinking could cause about six different types of cancer, diabetes, dementia....and besides, it makes me feel like shit"

Oh, pu-leeassse ....You feel like shit? A headache in the morning? You don't even drink the hard stuff!

Oh, you'd prefer it if I drank a bottle of vodka a day?

Well, at least that would be a real fucking problem!

Let's get this straight - you don't think I have a problem?

Only if being an uptight whiny bitch who needs some attention is a problem! Other people have real problems, you know, hunger? War? Poverty? Even people right here on Vancouver Island have more problems than you...

I know that people have many terrible problems, much worse than mine, but still, my wine drinking was a real issue, it was affecting my life! My business! My marriage!

Oh, come on....you think he wants to be with some boring bitch who can't have any fun? He didn't sign up for all this sober shit !

It's better now! He's proud!

He's embarrassed! And what about that blog? What kind of fucking hero do you think you are? You're not some kind of addictions counselor!

I know who you are.

YOU DON"T KNOW SHIT! You're just a middle-aged Drama Queen who needs some attention, and thinks her little "wine drinking" problem is IMPORTANT!

I know who you are.

WHO I AM??? WHO I AM?? You don't even know who you are! You think you're some kind of ALCOHOLIC?

Yes

YOU WERE NEVER DRUNK ENOUGH TO BE PART OF MY CLUB!!! 

I know who you are. And I know you're scared.

ME? SCARED? 

Yes, Every time I refuse a glass of wine, every time I wake up full of love and joy, every time one person reads my blog, or other blogs and decides that it's time to cut down a little, or give up entirely, every time someone congratulates me for being sober, one more day......you fade a little. Die a little....until one day, your voice with be so faint, that I can barely hear you. So until then, you obscenity, you will scream and roar.......but your days are numbered. Soon you will be no more.