Let's Stop Fooling Ourselves

A few days ago it was April Fool's Day - just a bit of fun! But is it time to stop fooling yourself about booze?

Let's Stop Fooling Ourselves

love, WB

Standards To Live By.

A layover at the airport. The plight of a friend.

Standards to Live By

WB xx

Controlling Our Choices

Sometimes we feel powerless. Can we overcome that?

Controlling our Choices

Here's an article I wrote this week for Henpicked, I'l love it (and so would Henpicked) if you would leave a comment, thx)

http://henpicked.net/is-that-extra-glass-of-wine-really-worth-it/

WB xx

Can Alcoholics Still Run Marathons? Hell, Yes!

I managed to combine dysfunctional drinking with several marathons..

Can Alcoholics Still Run Marathons?

WB xx

I'll be the one in the corner with a colander on my head..

OK, I get it. I"M the crazy one...

I'll be the one in the corner with a colander on my head..

WBxx

Too Rich and Too Thin...

Who benefits from stereotyping? Who benefits from us drinking in vast quantities..

Too Rich and Too Thin..

WB xx

Getting Sober Part 1 - What kind of Drunk am I?

Looking back.....what I experienced and what I learned...

Getting Sober Part 1 - What Kind of Drunk Am 1


WB xx

Struggling with the Booze? Three ways Donald Trump can Help...

He he, yep, you read that title correctly....

Struggling with the Booze? Three Ways Donald Trump can Help

love, WB xx

Why I'm Proud of My Husband......

We got some positive news today, about my husband's business venture. It's not set in stone yet, we don't have any paperwork yet (my husband isn't big on paperwork), but it's a step forward. A really good start to the New Year....

I am proud of my husband. He kept going with this venture, in the face of almost impossible odds. People doubted, people laughed, people down right disbelieved him and trust me, it's been a struggle sometimes, as cash flow dried up, and we sat looking at each other, wondering how long we could keep going.

Luckily for us, in among all the naysayers, were some extremely important cheerleaders. They know who they are. And we are truly grateful.

My husband is grateful too.

But there is one person who stands out. One person who doesn't really understand about the business, and who couldn't have contributed a dollar, even though she would have donated all of her money, if she had any.

So this morning, after we got two exciting calls, my husband phoned his mum.

And that there, is why I'm proud of him.

Not because he has this amazing ability to create products, not because of his determination, not because of his sense of humour in the face of adversity, but because of his gratitude and love for his mum.

You can tell the measure of a man by the way he treats his mother

My mother-in-law is very religious. Her "other" family is her church. She is devoted, to the point that she pays a tithe, even though she is not far off the poverty line herself.
There are some, my husband included, who regards this particular Church as a cult. And certainly, it would seem that my mother-in-law made some harsh parenting choices, as a result of her religious fervour.

She was a disciplinarian, and was certainly not afraid to use corporal punishment
She insisted that the kids all go to Church every Saturday
She disapproved of just about all "normal" teenage activities.
She was blind to the dark side of the Church, the injustices and the cruelty.

She was also married to an alcoholic (although my late father-in-law sobered up, later in life), and was often responsible for feeding and clothing of six kids with virtually zero income.

When I speak to her now, there is not a trace of bitterness towards her late husband, although his alcoholism left them in debt, and her in poverty when he died.
Her hatred is directed towards alcohol itself.

"I've seen what alcohol can do" she says..."It's evil and destructive"

She's not just talking about my late father-in-law. She witnessed violence and abuse fueled by booze in the community where she worked as a teacher.

She was very supportive when I told her I was quitting drinking.

"That's marvelous, you'll be so much happier. Alcohol never brought anyone any happiness"

My husband often says...'if it wasn't for mum, I would never achieved anything, because I've no idea where we would have ended up....."

His gratitude translates into practical help for her these days. When the business takes off (and I know it will), top of the "to-do" list is to make sure we can provide a comfortable lifestyle for her, for the rest of her life.

So would I still be proud of all my husband's achievements, if he didn't hold his mum in such high regard? If he didn't take care of her?

I don't know. I wouldn't have married him.

Donald Trump - Messiah or Bogeyman?

I love American politics. I love the unapologetic theatre, the passion, the pundits, and yes, even the sleaze.
Here in Canada, and definitely in England, people have been known to sneer a little at American politics, calling it a "circus", lacking "substance" or "dignity".

But I don't listen to those people. And nor, I'm sure, does Donald Trump. In fact, he doesn't really seem to listen anyone who disagrees with him (or anyone who happens to be female. Or Mexican.)

At first, it was funny. I was tuning in just to gape at  What Donald Said Next.

But then, he began to gain momentum in the polls, and it started to be Serious. Some political commentators are already voicing what some people may be thinking....

Could Donald Trump be the next Leader of the Free World?

I was reminded of a WB Yeats poem...

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, 
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Donald's supporters are saying things like.."He's a breath of fresh air" and 'He's not afraid to speak his mind"......only sadly, his "mind' seems to be misogynistic and racist.

But, knowing little about Donald, except that he is an obnoxious billionaire, I did some research.(google). And I found out that he has never had an alcoholic drink in his life!! 

His older brother Freddie, died from Alcoholism, and Donald learned from his mistakes. He talks quite candidly in several interviews about his brother's struggle with alcohol and the effect on his life;

"He was a great-looking guy. He had the best personality. He had everything. But he had a problem with alcohol and cigarettes. He knew he had the problem, and it's a tough problem to have. He was ten years older than me, and he would always tell me not to drink or smoke. And to this day I've never had a cigarette. I've never had a glass of alcohol. I won't even drink a cup of coffee. I just stay away from those things because he had such a tremendous problem. Fred did me a great favor. It's one of the greatest favors anyone's ever done for me"  January 2004, Esquire.

He goes on to say in the same interview;

"I've never understood why people don't go after the alcohol companies like they did the tobacco companies. Alcohol is a much worse problem than cigarettes"

Now I'm starting to like the guy. Could he be one of us?  

I bit more digging, and I found that in 1990, he argued that all drugs should be legalized, and the money put into drug rehab programs. (Sounds suspiciously liberal)

All joking aside, it's about time that we had someone in a position of influence and power to change the conversation and our collective mindset around Alcohol. Someone who could take on the industry, in the same way that the Tobacco industry was challenged - just look at the way attitudes have changed towards smoking!

And who better than someone who has openly spoken about the devastating effect that alcoholism can have on people's lives?

Alas, an hour more research.......

"Trump started selling vodka under his name . The “super premium” liquor hit shelves in 2006 .... Trump had big plans for the beverage. He said it would be “a major player in the vodka arena” because of its quality and packaging"

Sold out before he even begun. I was starting to have a glimmer of hope....but....

Donald Trump is not the Messiah. He's just another politician with a bad haircut.

The Sober Revolution will continue on - not a showy campaign with televised stump speeches, or triumphant rallies, no celebrity endorsements, or town hall debates.

Just a quiet, relentless grassroots movement, started by people who have discovered that when they put down the bottle....

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” W.B Yeats.

 

If Hollywood has taught us anything......

.......it is to expect a Happy Ending.

The guy will get the girl. The World will be saved. The flawed hero will resolve his issues.

And alcoholics are glamorous tragic figures that will eventually be reformed.

Hmm.

Real life is quite a bit more ugly and messy than Hollywood would have us believe. (No Shit, I hear you say).

This weekend I caught a glimpse of what full blown addiction looks like. Not the Hollywood version. The bottom floor of the elevator.

The ex-wife of one of our close friends was admitted to hospital. She had been living in a squat with no running water, no sanitation, no food, just cheap alcohol. She was delirious.

This lady has been dependent on alcohol her whole adult life. She drank until she passed out. Her husband tried in vain to help. He paid for her to go to a private rehab clinic.

"I might as well piled up the cash on the front lawn and set fire to it. At least it would have provided some warmth"

He took a job in Northern BC, in a dry community (yes, they do exist) and took her with him, in the hope that lack of access to alcohol would break her dependency.

He came home from work one day to find her high from drinking bottles of mouth wash.

"At least her breath was minty fresh"  he said, a grim attempt at humour.

After years of trying, he took his kids and divorced her. Yet, over the following years, he still tried to help, bailed her out of jail, took her to hospital, paid her bills.

Ironically, the years of abuse on her body have left her brain fried, a form of dementia which means that she has somehow "forgotten" that she is dependent on alcohol. Her brain and body has made one final attempt to 'cure" itself......by turning this lady into nothing more than hollow vessel with the lowest possible level of functionality.

Our friend, despite all the drama over the years is heartbroken.

"I asked her one day, why she needed to drink" he said, "She told me....'imagine you are really hungry. At first you can ignore it, but eventually you have to eat. That's what alcohol does to me"

I completely understand the analogy of the elevator. With one exception. While we are riding the elevator down, we have the option to get off at different floors, and maybe in some cases, ride the elevator up.
But eventually, if you stay on, passing floor after floor; when you ride the elevator down so far -

 there are no "stop" buttons, no options to get off. No buttons at all. 

You just ride the elevator all the way to the bottom.

There is no Hollywood Happy Ending.

Day 56 - Don't it Make My Brown Eyes Blue

Finally! I know now why I am a drunk! Wait for it.......I have blue eyes! Yes!
A new piece of "research" is out, that "links" the colour of your eyes to the probability of whether or not you will become an alcoholic.
At least that's the news headline (article here).

The study looked at more than 10,000 people who were already diagnosed with a form of mental illness, filtered out all those who had a dependency on alcohol - and bingo! Most of them had blue eyes.

Now, of course we don't have the full published study, so I have no idea what hypothesis they actually started with, or the assumptions they made (what "clinical' definition of alcohol dependency did they use?), or indeed, who was paying for the research - just the headline and the message out there that if you have blue eyes, you are more likely to abuse alcohol.

How handy for the alcohol industry! One more piece of research that they can wave at us and say "Look! It's not our fault! It's not the targeted advertising, or the lack of regulation, or the low price or availability of alcohol, or the fact that the pubs and liquor stores are open 24/7......it's the colour of your eyes!!"

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not blaming the industry for the decades of my wine drinking....but they sure made it easy for me, and I certainly contributed to the shareholder's annual dividend cheque.

In the same way, the tobacco industry didn't force people to smoke - but they made it seem sexy and appealing, and NORMAL to consume a drug that is addictive, and would eventually kill them....and that is exactly what the alcohol industry is being allowed to do today.

And this type of research that correlates eye colour to alcohol abuse doesn't help. The scientists admit that they don't know or can't find a causal link - just a correlation in a tiny sample of people.

If it was harder to get hold of wine, or more expensive, or if there were more of a stigma around drinking wine alone, or at lunchtime, or during the week....would I have still abused alcohol? I can't answer that, I don't know.

But I can tell you with absolute certainty.....it has nothing to do with the colour of my eyes.

Have a great weekend, and Happy 4th July to my lovely neighbours to the south xx

Day 32 - Missing Mad Men

No idea what happened to Day 31 (also my first month sober anniversary!), but all the energy I have had over the last weeks ebbed away, and I ended up napping the afternoon away.. but I was woken by a phone call from my brother -in-law, who was thanking me for introducing him to the fabulous drama series "Mad Men".
For those of you who have never watched it, very simplistically, it documents the rise and fall of the advertising industry from 1960 to the 1970's, through the eyes of the very handsome and enigmatic protagonist, Don Draper.
There are many layers to this well written drama, and each character is built beautifully, as they react to changes in their personal lives during the backdrop of America in that most tumultuous time ....(wow I sound like a reviewer). And I have been especially riveted to the fantastic fashions...oh I wish (for once) that I had been born a couple of decades earlier!
What is relevant to my newly sober self....is firstly the reminder that smoking was seen as completely harmless and "cool" (although we see the start of the struggle of the tobacco industry, reacting against the first health findings from brave researchers), which seems to echo the social acceptance of the alcohol industry now, and secondly, seeing executives pour themselves a large scotch or whatever...at any time during the day!!
Alcoholism is viewed as a character flaw. During one scene, an account executive is so drunk that he pees his pants....and is sent home in disgrace. The disgust of his colleagues is evident - the poor man "can't hold his drink".
Towards the end of the series, we see a large alcohol company discuss an advertising campaign for a "light" beer. Throughout each episode, we are given an insight to how advertising campaigns work to pull us in - not selling the actual product - but selling how the product makes us feel .......
Here we are, nearly half a century later, and we don't seem to have moved on at all.
Alcoholism or alcohol dependency is still seen as an personal failing, and the alcohol industry, partnered with the advertising industry (with a whole unregulated social media platform) is selling us on how hip and cool we'll be if we drink this beverage, or how sophisticated we must be if we drink this wine......
We are still Mad Men and Women......just without the fabulous wardrobe.

Day 25 - The "Cause" of Alcoholism

Day 25, and sad news this morning of the passing of Charles Kennedy (see Mummy was a Secret Drinker), his death not yet officially attributed to his long battle with alcoholism.
On this side of the pond, the major news story is the much awaited report from the Truth and Reconciliation Committee, that was formed to examine the very dark subject of Residential Schools. For those of you not in Canada, First Nations families were ripped apart by the Canadian Government, who decreed that native children should be sent away to residential schools, in order to educate them to be 'civilized"
If you are thinking that this must have happened in the 1800's, you would be mistaken, the last residential school closed down in 1996.
The abuse that these children suffered is incomprehensible to any decent human being. The ripple effect on families and communities cannot begin to be evaluated.
The Truth and Reconciliation Committee have made a fine start in the healing process that will no doubt take many generations before closure on this painful period of history.
Why am I blogging about this? Firstly, because I am married to a full status native (as defined under the Indian Act), and his father (my late father in law) was an alcoholic.

Alcoholism in Canada is generally perceived as a "First Nation's Issue".

1. Statistics show that a large percentage (not sure of the exact figures) of native communities suffer from alcoholism - far greater than any other section of the population

2. Its a widely held belief that much of this alcohol abuse is "caused" by the terrible trauma that First Nations people have suffered over the last centuries.

Now, I am not diminishing in ANY WAY the trauma and suffering that native people have endured (I have seen first hand, the family dysfunction that it caused), my objection is the premise that  alcoholism has been directly "caused" by this situation.

I don't doubt for a second that many people drink to numb traumatic memories, to forget pain and suffering - hell, who wouldn't?

But don't you think we're letting Alcohol and the Alcohol Industry off the hook? Sure, horrible events may lead to the first drink and then the second.....but a lifetime of drinking surely has to be attributed to the addictive properties of Alcohol?

My point is that if collectively we assume that Alcoholism is primarily an issue for one community, or directly caused by traumatic events, how do we account for US?  Yes - 'us" the white, middle-class, high functioning individuals who had great childhoods, fantastic careers, homes and families?
What "trauma" lead us to drink our first drink? And why did we carry on?

Yes - that's correct - ALCOHOL is ADDICTIVE!

So today, I hope that the Truth and Reconciliation Committee recognize that many First Nations people need help with TWO issues - firstly the counselling and ongoing healing process for the tragedies they endured at the hands of the white government and community, and secondly - the addiction and health problems caused by alcohol.

I also hope that open discussion of Charles Kennedy's alcoholism will show that even talented, famous, wealthy, privileged people can fall victim to alcohol's clutches.

And us? Well, I hope that we can eventually be less embarrassed about our addiction, stop navel gazing for deep seated flaws in our character, and accept that the only cause of alcoholism is Alcohol.

Day 4 Feel the Fear and Do it anyway.....

Anyone who is on this path of quitting booze, or even laying off it for awhile will agree with me that the ABSOLUTE BEST part, is the hangover free mornings! And now, I have had three in a row - and that feels pretty damn good.
But, it's so early, and I know (through my extensive research of other sober blogs, and the increasing literature out there), that there are hard times to follow - I am such a newbie!
So today, I am going to start a little mini-series of blogs dedicated to WHY and WHY NOW, I have decided to quit the wine for good....

Part 1 - FEAR!
Absolutely ABJECT TERROR of the damage and lasting consequences to my health if I carry on the way I have been. Just to put it into perspective, for any readers, and for myself, in black and white, this is how much I have been drinking per week....drum roll please....

Approximately 60 standard units of alcohol per week. That's quadruple Health Canada's recommended guidelines for a woman. QUADRUPLE!!

So, of course, I've known this for some time now, but until recently, the logical knowledge that I have been slowly killing myself hasn't been enough to make me quit.

So what changed? Well, three things that brought on my FEAR.....

1. I've been waking up in the middle of the night feeling weird pains and sensations in my arms and legs....and I have been imagining a blood clot, or a heart attack or a stroke....sometimes I have been frightened to go back to sleep in case I don't wake up

2. I have more nights than not, when I can't remember going to bed. I can't remember TV shows I watched, I can't remember telephone conversations I had, I can't remember conversations with my husband.....and it doesn't come back to me at all. Total blackouts!!

3. I recently read "Drinking - A Love Story" by the eloquent Caroline Knapp, and in one chapter, she describes a self - test she took from some National Alcoholics organization in the US. It's about 30 questions about drinking behaviour. If you say "yes' to any of the first eight questions, you are in the early stages of alcoholism (which can last ten to fifteen years), "yes' to any question from nine to about twenty - middle stages (which can last five years) and "yes" to any question after that.....final road to oblivion.

Suffice to say, I had to answer "yes' to a couple after question eight. If that didn't frickin sober me up, nothing will.

Well, I know this post is a little heavy - but I have to be reminded of my FEAR when I hit a breezy complacent place, and contemplate just one glass.....+