Things that go "Cringe" in the night..

Ahh....those 3.00 am wake up calls...

Things that go "Cringe" in the night

WB xx

Getting Sober Part 1 - What kind of Drunk am I?

Looking back.....what I experienced and what I learned...

Getting Sober Part 1 - What Kind of Drunk Am 1


WB xx

Let's Put the "Fun" back into Dys-fun-ctional...

Ah, family. They can really fuck you up.

Especially around Christmas time.

I'm reading so many blogs where the main worries are :

• How to explain that, yes, even at Christmas time you're not having "just one" drink.
• How to do practical things like remove all the alcohol from your house, and still be a gracious host/hostess
• How to deal with the stress of a gathering of people who have little in common except DNA or marriage, without the numbing effects of alcohol.

The fact is, it's easier to deal with social gatherings, if you are not emotionally connected with the people. At work functions, there are a myriad of reasons why you are sober, and there is no real pressure to explain.

When you are in your own home or at in-laws, and the expectation is that Christmas will be exactly the same as every other year, it's harder to say "I'm not drinking" without all the awkward questions. Friends or colleagues may just raise an eyebrow, and be too polite to ask probing questions....but your mum doesn't have the boundary of politeness.

Your concern may be that you are "worrying" people. That they will be concerned. And you might feel that it's not fair to do this at Christmas.

You may be worried about pressure, or sabotage.

You may be worried that you are the dysfunctional member of the family who is fucking up the whole proceedings by choosing not to drink a particular beverage.

Maybe take a second to read that last sentence.

Because that is what is all boils down to. You are just choosing to drink a different beverage.


You know what IS dysfunctional?

• "pretending" to drink wine.
• Giving up your sobriety to make other people - people who are supposed to love you - feel 'better"
• Buying a shitload of alcohol that will be left over and will serve as a "trigger", in the week after Christmas
• Thinking that the "next" social gathering will be easier....there is always a birthday, a anniversary, a celebration that will be "important" and therefore you should push your own sobriety to one side, so that you won't "upset" other people 

Here's what I am doing:

• Buying some NA beverages like sparkling fake wine/Champagne and NA beer.
• Having zero alcohol in the house apart from one bottle of whisky (husband's) that will remain in the cupboard (not a trigger for me)
• Telling my family members that all they need to bring is what they want to drink.
• Making sure they take leftovers away with them
• Being "firm" that being sober makes me happy, keeps me healthy, and if they really do care about me....don't they want me to be happy and healthy?
• If there is ANY concern, reassuring family members that the concern is misplaced, because life is SO MUCH BETTER when I am not drinking

Remember waking up at 3.00am in the morning, after a blackout the night before, Christmas Day as a blur, the house a mess....feeling full of shame and self-loathing? Remember trying to navigate Boxing Day, with a head that feels like a lump of lead being pounded by a hammer, trying to stuff down carbs and water to quell the acid in your stomach?
Do you really want to feel like that because you were worried that Auntie Betty would be offended if you didn't drink a glass of champagne? Or that you didn't want your sister in law to think you have a problem? (which you do).

That's dysfunctional.

Have a happy, sober Christmas,

WBxx 

In a homage to Star Wars, I wrote this blog "There is no TRY" 

Effortlessly Sober?

Someone left a lovely comment on one of my posts a while back. It said something along the lines of "you seem so together"

And I am beginning to feel 'together'.

But it wasn't like that for a long time.

A few years after emigrating to Canada, my relationship ended, after fifteen years. I ended it. It was the right decision. But my drinking problem (that I kept firmly under control, apart from a few lapses), spiraled.

I made bad decision after bad decision, including a particularly toxic rebound relationship. And I doused everything in copious amounts of wine.

Very soon, my already floundering career in Real Estate rolled to halt (thanks in part to the recession, and to my lack of interest and permanent hangover), so the small amount of cash that I had received from the relationship break up, was quickly gone.

I ended up working in a Beer and Wine Store (cruel irony), and it was easy to compare my "enthusiastic wine appreciation" against the "real alcoholics' that frequented the store.

In private, I vowed again and again that I wouldn't drink so much. And every time, I failed to make good on the promises I had made to myself.

Eventually, I convinced myself that I was drinking "due to the stress" and once I had got my life under control, the drinking would stop...all by itself...

The happiest intervention by the Universe (or God), who clearly decided I needed a break, was to put my now husband firmly in my path.
Thank God I wasn't too drunk to notice!

My drinking continued, but I justified it to myself by '..it's happy drinking!"

Physically, I was beginning to notice that I was forgetting things. Like whole conversations. Or getting to bed. And I was worried about weird pains in my arms. Some nights I would wake up, dehydrated, and worry about having a stroke, or a heart attack.

So I tried to stop.

I tried to only drink on weekends.

I switched to beer

I switched from beer to white wine.

I challenged myself to not drink for two weeks.

I tried to stop FOR GOOD, again and again and again.

I put crosses on the calendar for all the days I didn't drink, hoping that there would be more crosses than not, at the end of every month. There never were.

I read sober literature (as I was drinking wine)

I googled 'Am I an Alcoholic" and lied my way through countless questionnaires.

And then finally, I stopped.

No DUIs, no interventions from my very patient husband, no medical emergencies. I can't even tell you what I was thinking.

On Day Three I started this Blog. I had no idea if I would make it to Day 4 or Day 10....or Day 100.

So why share this now?

Because I read so many blogs where people are reverting back to Day 1 and feel so shitty about it. I read the desperation, the panic and think to myself......I remember that...

If you read my blog and think "wow, she seems so together", I thank you. I really take that as a compliment.

But there is only one difference between you and me.......I wasn't brave enough to blog about all the times when I smacked up against the wall of alcohol. I wasn't brave enough to share the times I had to pick myself up , feeling shitty and desperate that I wouldn't make it. But you ARE brave enough to share that. Thank you.

You are all an inspiration to me. And I know that you are all going to make it.

WBxx

Day 13 - When Fiction Imitates Life...

I have just finished reading "The Girl on the Train" by Paula Hawkins. Well, I not so much read it, as inhaled it in one sitting. First of all I love psychological thrillers and mysteries, and secondly, over the last two weeks or so, I have slowly got my reading mojo back (helps to fill the wine shaped void). Also, I found the description of how this lady fell into the alcohol sink hole and thrashed around there, in part as if the author had just documented my life.
If you read the book and wonder, the really bad parts don't apply, but I can totally relate to the black outs, lack of memory of conversation and entire evenings as well as all the phone calls and emails sent whilst under the influence.
My greatest relief in these last 13 mornings, is NOT to have to check my phone, my email and my face book page to check what stupid incoherent message I made public, because it must have seemed like a good idea in my wine stupor.
I still feel the cringing embarrassment and shame.
Sadly over the last few years I have managed to screw up perfectly good friendships, due to my Wine Alter Ego, that turned me into a mean, spiteful, obsessive and hurtful person.
The reason I chose the name "The Wine Bitch" is because I feel that this is who I became.
The hard part going forward (as well as ongoing sobriety) is facing up to some of the horrible things I've said and done, and somehow make amends.

Well, here's to being better ** raises glass of sparkling water and lime **.....have a great weekend xx

Day 4 Feel the Fear and Do it anyway.....

Anyone who is on this path of quitting booze, or even laying off it for awhile will agree with me that the ABSOLUTE BEST part, is the hangover free mornings! And now, I have had three in a row - and that feels pretty damn good.
But, it's so early, and I know (through my extensive research of other sober blogs, and the increasing literature out there), that there are hard times to follow - I am such a newbie!
So today, I am going to start a little mini-series of blogs dedicated to WHY and WHY NOW, I have decided to quit the wine for good....

Part 1 - FEAR!
Absolutely ABJECT TERROR of the damage and lasting consequences to my health if I carry on the way I have been. Just to put it into perspective, for any readers, and for myself, in black and white, this is how much I have been drinking per week....drum roll please....

Approximately 60 standard units of alcohol per week. That's quadruple Health Canada's recommended guidelines for a woman. QUADRUPLE!!

So, of course, I've known this for some time now, but until recently, the logical knowledge that I have been slowly killing myself hasn't been enough to make me quit.

So what changed? Well, three things that brought on my FEAR.....

1. I've been waking up in the middle of the night feeling weird pains and sensations in my arms and legs....and I have been imagining a blood clot, or a heart attack or a stroke....sometimes I have been frightened to go back to sleep in case I don't wake up

2. I have more nights than not, when I can't remember going to bed. I can't remember TV shows I watched, I can't remember telephone conversations I had, I can't remember conversations with my husband.....and it doesn't come back to me at all. Total blackouts!!

3. I recently read "Drinking - A Love Story" by the eloquent Caroline Knapp, and in one chapter, she describes a self - test she took from some National Alcoholics organization in the US. It's about 30 questions about drinking behaviour. If you say "yes' to any of the first eight questions, you are in the early stages of alcoholism (which can last ten to fifteen years), "yes' to any question from nine to about twenty - middle stages (which can last five years) and "yes" to any question after that.....final road to oblivion.

Suffice to say, I had to answer "yes' to a couple after question eight. If that didn't frickin sober me up, nothing will.

Well, I know this post is a little heavy - but I have to be reminded of my FEAR when I hit a breezy complacent place, and contemplate just one glass.....+