Hey everybody, it's been a whole week since I posted! But I have been checking in with you...
I've been busy. I have recorded videos for my online course, I did my first ever LIVE webinar - eek, scary! and have been marketing, emailing, and generally taking care of business....
What a change. Five months ago exactly, business was looking pretty dire.
Lack of productivity, procrastination, below par service to long suffering clients - all by-products of dancing with the Wine Witch.....and one other that I haven't been able to articulate until this week....imposter syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome is defined as ...."a collection of feelings of inadequacy
that persist even in face of information that indicates that the
opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt,
and feelings of intellectual fraudulence"
Every time I tried to give advice, help, teach or guide.....although I was (am) perfectly well qualified, inside of me, a voice was screaming to the client..
"don't take advice from her! She's a drunk! You should see the pile of crap on her desk that she hasn't dealt with.....her? lecturing about organization? That's funny, the only thing she COULD organize is a piss up in a brewery..."
It's tough to give business advice that you're not taking yourself. Hell, any advice.
I was terrified that if I marketed myself, in public....someone would call me out. Someone would post on my facebook page, or tweet, or complain to the newspaper, the Better Business Bureau .......don't work with her! She drinks!
Easier not to take the call. Easier not to reach out to new clients today. Easier to pour a glass of wine..
The road back hasn't been easy. I have had to deal with the pile of crap on my desk. Start marketing, prospecting, advertising, writing.....all from scratch. It wasn't easy......until it was.
In the same way that sobriety gets a little easier, bit by bit...so does business. Life. Parenting (as I discovered from Sober Mummy today, see her blog here)
Socializing. Exercising. Family Gathering. Dealing with Government Agencies. Getting the car fixed. ALL EASIER. Far easier than reaching for the bottle of wine.
And that nagging feeling of fraudulence? The fear of being "discovered"?
Gone.
Thursday, 8 October 2015
Friday, 2 October 2015
Abracadabra.....!
I've never been big on self-grooming.
Let me clarify - I am big on hygiene..just not the cosmetic, hair, spa kinda stuff. It's not so much that I dislike the idea of being pampered, it's just that it all seems so self indulgent....and I could never justify the expense.
Hey, wait a minute, isn't this the same girl who "justified" a bottle or two of wine a day?
Well yes, put like that, and also the fact that I've committed to leaving my business comfort zone and recording face to camera live classes, I've had to face facts.....I've been looking frumpy and old.
I could very happily ignore my increasing weight, deteriorating skin, split fingernails and dried out hair before....I just had another glass of wine.
Also, in my wine addled mind, I saw myself as "outdoorsy" and "natural"....hence the shapeless sweaters, hair scraped back into a ponytail, and aforementioned split fingernails...
But now, as I embark on my business journey, I have been convinced that online classes are the way to go (leverage my time), and so not only have I had to master all kinds of tech foolery (google hangouts, widgets for that, plug-ins for this), I have also had to watch myself on video.
Excruciating! Like having to listen to your recorded voice but a thousand times worse!!
And I have had to acknowledge my woefully low standards of self grooming.
So off to the hairdressers, I go.
I went to lady that I knew slightly. She worked alongside my previous hairdresser ( and I want to say here, that my lovely hairdresser Jane, who broke her arm, and has now moved, did all she could to keep my hair looking good....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. - I'm the horse, in case you didn't get that)
So (extremely) young Brittany, got the job.
"Do your magic! " I said.
I have to hand it to her.
Yes, we need to fix that, she said briskly as she surveyed my tattered, sun dried locks.
And, just a sharp intake of breath when she got to my fringe, which I had recently hacked with kitchen scissors...
She definitely cast her spell. An hour an a half later, I have darker hair, no grey, it looks smooth and feels silky.
I am happy.
Is there anything else I can do for you, asks Brittany, as she sprays and fluffs the finishing touches.
Feeling confident, I joke...."Can you get rid of ten pounds of ugly fat for me ?"
She stops and looks at me.
I'm a beautician, not a magician....
Let me clarify - I am big on hygiene..just not the cosmetic, hair, spa kinda stuff. It's not so much that I dislike the idea of being pampered, it's just that it all seems so self indulgent....and I could never justify the expense.
Hey, wait a minute, isn't this the same girl who "justified" a bottle or two of wine a day?
Well yes, put like that, and also the fact that I've committed to leaving my business comfort zone and recording face to camera live classes, I've had to face facts.....I've been looking frumpy and old.
I could very happily ignore my increasing weight, deteriorating skin, split fingernails and dried out hair before....I just had another glass of wine.
Also, in my wine addled mind, I saw myself as "outdoorsy" and "natural"....hence the shapeless sweaters, hair scraped back into a ponytail, and aforementioned split fingernails...
But now, as I embark on my business journey, I have been convinced that online classes are the way to go (leverage my time), and so not only have I had to master all kinds of tech foolery (google hangouts, widgets for that, plug-ins for this), I have also had to watch myself on video.
Excruciating! Like having to listen to your recorded voice but a thousand times worse!!
And I have had to acknowledge my woefully low standards of self grooming.
So off to the hairdressers, I go.
I went to lady that I knew slightly. She worked alongside my previous hairdresser ( and I want to say here, that my lovely hairdresser Jane, who broke her arm, and has now moved, did all she could to keep my hair looking good....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. - I'm the horse, in case you didn't get that)
So (extremely) young Brittany, got the job.
"Do your magic! " I said.
I have to hand it to her.
Yes, we need to fix that, she said briskly as she surveyed my tattered, sun dried locks.
And, just a sharp intake of breath when she got to my fringe, which I had recently hacked with kitchen scissors...
She definitely cast her spell. An hour an a half later, I have darker hair, no grey, it looks smooth and feels silky.
I am happy.
Is there anything else I can do for you, asks Brittany, as she sprays and fluffs the finishing touches.
Feeling confident, I joke...."Can you get rid of ten pounds of ugly fat for me ?"
She stops and looks at me.
I'm a beautician, not a magician....
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
Is The Wine Witch Running Your Business?
(This is a blog post I wrote a while ago. I've been busy with my business, and I was reflecting on how things have changed - for the better! - and I re-visited this blog post that I didn't post here for some reason).
At first it seems like the new girl is working out. She keep you calm and focused. What a great addition to your business, she really helps you deal with the stress!
When 5 o'clock comes, she pops her head round the door and says "Come on, time to stop - you've worked so hard, you need a reward!"
Sometimes, when you're working late, she'll work with you - helping you to brainstorm, adding her own creativity. She's so full of ideas and promise, that at first you don't notice that the filing's not finished. And occasionally she forgets to pay a bill, or mark an appointment in the diary.
She started off as a part- time help, but you begin to notice that she is here almost full time now. You try to have a word with her about that - "it really wasn't the plan to have you here all the time..."
"Nonsense!" she says, beginning to pout a little " You need me!"
"Well, running a business is really stressful....." you think......"and she does really help......"
One day, you have an angry call from a client. You missed an important deadline. You put the phone down, and for the first time in months, you see the piles of unfinished projects, unanswered correspondence, unpaid bills, missed calls..........what's been going on, how did it get this bad?
You try to talk to her..."Look, this has to stop, I have to get my business back on track...."
She says brightly "And we will! Tomorrow! Right now you need to relax a little....tomorrow we'll make a plan, and get this all worked out!"
So you sit with her, but you are feeling uneasy now, you're not sure if you trust her.....
And this is how the wine witch can take hold of your business.
It happened to me. At first the daily glass of wine was a reward for all my hard work, as I struggled to launch my first on-line business. But after a while, the one glass turned into two or three, and eventually the whole bottle.
It took about three hours to get going in the morning, as I would wake up with a low level hangover most days.......and productivity decreased throughout the day, as I would clock watch until the magic hour, when I could quit and have my first glorious glass. As that warm relaxing sensation spread throughout my body, I promise myself that I would really work hard on that "to do" list tomorrow.....
As my business failed to take traction, I made many excuses to myself - it's the economy! .....Social media is too crowded!....I need to change my niche!.....until one day I was browsing through facebook (research! I told myself), and I found a post from a business lady that I really admired. She was on the type of holiday that I really yearned for, but couldn't afford - beautiful white sandy beaches, turquoise water, an exotic location. "Another fantastic day on the beach" she posted. "Go and have a glass of wine by the pool before dinner!" I commented.
"Oh Jackie" she posted back "I don't drink".....
I wish I could tell you that I fired the Wine Witch on the spot. But I didn't. I tried, again and again, but she would always cajole and persuade me that I was being silly....there was no problem....
"You'll never get rid of me......" she practically spat in my face...." you're too weak and pathetic"... after I told her we were done for good......
That was it. She had gone too far.
It was really tough after she finally vacated my office. I had to face the mess that was left. The unhappy clients. The debt. The sorry state of my fledgling business.
I also had to learn to work properly again. To focus, to regain my passion.
But gradually I did it.
I saw an advert in the paper a little while ago.....
"Girl Friday. Helpful, attentive. Will help relieve your stress. Will work late when necessary. Creative and encouraging.....before long, you won't be able to do without me"
Before you answer that ad.......call me for a reference.
At first it seems like the new girl is working out. She keep you calm and focused. What a great addition to your business, she really helps you deal with the stress!
When 5 o'clock comes, she pops her head round the door and says "Come on, time to stop - you've worked so hard, you need a reward!"
Sometimes, when you're working late, she'll work with you - helping you to brainstorm, adding her own creativity. She's so full of ideas and promise, that at first you don't notice that the filing's not finished. And occasionally she forgets to pay a bill, or mark an appointment in the diary.
She started off as a part- time help, but you begin to notice that she is here almost full time now. You try to have a word with her about that - "it really wasn't the plan to have you here all the time..."
"Nonsense!" she says, beginning to pout a little " You need me!"
"Well, running a business is really stressful....." you think......"and she does really help......"
One day, you have an angry call from a client. You missed an important deadline. You put the phone down, and for the first time in months, you see the piles of unfinished projects, unanswered correspondence, unpaid bills, missed calls..........what's been going on, how did it get this bad?
You try to talk to her..."Look, this has to stop, I have to get my business back on track...."
She says brightly "And we will! Tomorrow! Right now you need to relax a little....tomorrow we'll make a plan, and get this all worked out!"
So you sit with her, but you are feeling uneasy now, you're not sure if you trust her.....
And this is how the wine witch can take hold of your business.
It happened to me. At first the daily glass of wine was a reward for all my hard work, as I struggled to launch my first on-line business. But after a while, the one glass turned into two or three, and eventually the whole bottle.
It took about three hours to get going in the morning, as I would wake up with a low level hangover most days.......and productivity decreased throughout the day, as I would clock watch until the magic hour, when I could quit and have my first glorious glass. As that warm relaxing sensation spread throughout my body, I promise myself that I would really work hard on that "to do" list tomorrow.....
As my business failed to take traction, I made many excuses to myself - it's the economy! .....Social media is too crowded!....I need to change my niche!.....until one day I was browsing through facebook (research! I told myself), and I found a post from a business lady that I really admired. She was on the type of holiday that I really yearned for, but couldn't afford - beautiful white sandy beaches, turquoise water, an exotic location. "Another fantastic day on the beach" she posted. "Go and have a glass of wine by the pool before dinner!" I commented.
"Oh Jackie" she posted back "I don't drink".....
I wish I could tell you that I fired the Wine Witch on the spot. But I didn't. I tried, again and again, but she would always cajole and persuade me that I was being silly....there was no problem....
"You'll never get rid of me......" she practically spat in my face...." you're too weak and pathetic"... after I told her we were done for good......
That was it. She had gone too far.
It was really tough after she finally vacated my office. I had to face the mess that was left. The unhappy clients. The debt. The sorry state of my fledgling business.
I also had to learn to work properly again. To focus, to regain my passion.
But gradually I did it.
I saw an advert in the paper a little while ago.....
"Girl Friday. Helpful, attentive. Will help relieve your stress. Will work late when necessary. Creative and encouraging.....before long, you won't be able to do without me"
Before you answer that ad.......call me for a reference.
At
first it seems like the new girl is working out. She keep you calm and
focused. What a great addition to your business, she really helps you
deal with the stress!
When 5 o’clock comes, she pops her head round the door and says “Come on, time to stop – you’ve worked so hard, you need a reward!”
Sometimes, when you’re working late, she’ll work with you – helping you to brainstorm, adding her own creativity. She’s so full of ideas and promise, that at first you don’t notice that the filing’s not finished. And occasionally she forgets to pay a bill, or mark an appointment in the diary.
She started off as a part- time help, but you begin to notice that she is here almost full time now. You try to have a word with her about that – “it really wasn’t the plan to have you here all the time…”
“Nonsense!” she says, beginning to pout a little ” You need me!”
“Well, running a business is really stressful…..” you think……”and she does really help……”
One day, you have an angry call from a client. You missed an important deadline. You put the phone down, and for the first time in months, you see the piles of unfinished projects, unanswered correspondence, unpaid bills, missed calls……….what’s been going on, how did it get this bad?
You try to talk to her…”Look, this has to stop, I have to get my business back on track….”
She says brightly “And we will! Tomorrow! Right now you need to relax a little….tomorrow we’ll make a plan, and get this all worked out!”
So you sit with her, but you are feeling uneasy now, you’re not sure if you trust her…..
And this is how the wine witch can take hold of your business.
It happened to me. At first the daily glass of wine was a reward for all my hard work, as I struggled to launch my first on-line business. But after a while, the one glass turned into two or three, and eventually the whole bottle.
It took about three hours to get going in the morning, as I would wake up with a low level
- See more at: http://www.soberbusinessacademy.com/is-the-wine-witch-running-your-business/#sthash.RDOJOwDx.dpuf
When 5 o’clock comes, she pops her head round the door and says “Come on, time to stop – you’ve worked so hard, you need a reward!”
Sometimes, when you’re working late, she’ll work with you – helping you to brainstorm, adding her own creativity. She’s so full of ideas and promise, that at first you don’t notice that the filing’s not finished. And occasionally she forgets to pay a bill, or mark an appointment in the diary.
She started off as a part- time help, but you begin to notice that she is here almost full time now. You try to have a word with her about that – “it really wasn’t the plan to have you here all the time…”
“Nonsense!” she says, beginning to pout a little ” You need me!”
“Well, running a business is really stressful…..” you think……”and she does really help……”
One day, you have an angry call from a client. You missed an important deadline. You put the phone down, and for the first time in months, you see the piles of unfinished projects, unanswered correspondence, unpaid bills, missed calls……….what’s been going on, how did it get this bad?
You try to talk to her…”Look, this has to stop, I have to get my business back on track….”
She says brightly “And we will! Tomorrow! Right now you need to relax a little….tomorrow we’ll make a plan, and get this all worked out!”
So you sit with her, but you are feeling uneasy now, you’re not sure if you trust her…..
And this is how the wine witch can take hold of your business.
It happened to me. At first the daily glass of wine was a reward for all my hard work, as I struggled to launch my first on-line business. But after a while, the one glass turned into two or three, and eventually the whole bottle.
It took about three hours to get going in the morning, as I would wake up with a low level
- See more at: http://www.soberbusinessacademy.com/is-the-wine-witch-running-your-business/#sthash.RDOJOwDx.dpuf
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Shine on Harvest Moon...
I've been busy in the last week. And the work is paying off. My husband has sold one of his oil retrieval machines and I am getting sign ups for my online business - yay! For the first time in some while the cash coming in is exceeding the cash going out!
Shows what can happen when you focus, right?
I saw on my facebook feed the other day. a post that read...
"Spend twenty minutes in Nature everyday. And if you're busy, spend an hour"
So when I got a text this evening to go out and have supper with friends at the campsite, overlooking the ocean, I didn't hesitate.
It was just the three of us (my husband is still away), and we got pretty excited waiting for the Super Moon to appear, followed by the eclipse.
We weren't disappointed.
The moon rose, in all it's fiery glory, and then gradually, a shadow started to fall over it. I can still see it now, as I type.
There is something quite magnificent and powerful, watching the majesty of the Universe.
It puts everything in perspective.
I felt grateful. To be with friends around a campfire, enjoying the breathtaking beauty of the ocean, and witnessing a shift in the galaxy.
I felt grateful to be alive, to be healthy, to have purpose, and to be sober.
Have a great week everyone,
WB xx.
Shows what can happen when you focus, right?
I saw on my facebook feed the other day. a post that read...
"Spend twenty minutes in Nature everyday. And if you're busy, spend an hour"
So when I got a text this evening to go out and have supper with friends at the campsite, overlooking the ocean, I didn't hesitate.
It was just the three of us (my husband is still away), and we got pretty excited waiting for the Super Moon to appear, followed by the eclipse.
We weren't disappointed.
The moon rose, in all it's fiery glory, and then gradually, a shadow started to fall over it. I can still see it now, as I type.
There is something quite magnificent and powerful, watching the majesty of the Universe.
It puts everything in perspective.
I felt grateful. To be with friends around a campfire, enjoying the breathtaking beauty of the ocean, and witnessing a shift in the galaxy.
I felt grateful to be alive, to be healthy, to have purpose, and to be sober.
Have a great week everyone,
WB xx.
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
Colour Me........Sober....
The big conundrum with becoming sober? Sober helps us be more present in our lives..right?
Yet, one big reason that people drink is to NOT be present in our lives....
Diving into that bottle of wine each night gave us (well, definitely me) a break from our daily grind, the mundane irritating issues like debt, bills, family bickering, the boat that's STILL parked in my frigging driveway....
Ann Dowsett Johnston says it better...
"With that first sip, my shoulders seemed to unhitch from my earlobes....Somehow with the second glass, the tectonic plates of my psyche would shift, and I'd be more at ease. Jake use to say it this way "When you drink, that piano on your back seems to disappear..."
The piano on my back weighed heavier, especially when I moved to Canada. It played discordant notes to me as I split up with my long term partner, and I was left wondering if I should move back to England? Stay? The only soothing music in my life was wine....and as I sat in my tiny apartment, clutching glass after glass......all I wanted was the notes to play loud enough so I didn't have to focus on my financial and emotional woes.
It's why we convince ourselves that wine is a reward. It takes us to a place where our troubles, however niggling and insignificant, are not invited.
And that's hard to replace.
Some people recommend meditation, and apart from feeling like a pillock (thank you Sober Mummy for that- see her great post on meditation here), it's also a skill you have to work at.....not nearly as instant as alcohol.
Which is why I am fascinated with the latest trend in Adult Colouring Books.
Yes, that's correct - colouring in shapes and designs, just like when we were children.
Remember childhood? Those rainy afternoons working industriously away on a craft project, so engrossed that time just melted away....
Wouldn't it be great to get back there, just a short while every day? When the only dilemma faced is
'I wonder if a purple stem would look good on that yellow flower?"
I totally get it.
A lovely lady Naomi Gilmour from my business group is a firm advocate of colouring , and she was interviewed on Radio 2 this week...here's the link if you would like to listen. (The interview starts at about 1.37)
And speaking of pillocks, see if you can spot one in the interview.
I'm off to get my pencils sharpened :)
Yet, one big reason that people drink is to NOT be present in our lives....
Diving into that bottle of wine each night gave us (well, definitely me) a break from our daily grind, the mundane irritating issues like debt, bills, family bickering, the boat that's STILL parked in my frigging driveway....
Ann Dowsett Johnston says it better...
"With that first sip, my shoulders seemed to unhitch from my earlobes....Somehow with the second glass, the tectonic plates of my psyche would shift, and I'd be more at ease. Jake use to say it this way "When you drink, that piano on your back seems to disappear..."
The piano on my back weighed heavier, especially when I moved to Canada. It played discordant notes to me as I split up with my long term partner, and I was left wondering if I should move back to England? Stay? The only soothing music in my life was wine....and as I sat in my tiny apartment, clutching glass after glass......all I wanted was the notes to play loud enough so I didn't have to focus on my financial and emotional woes.
It's why we convince ourselves that wine is a reward. It takes us to a place where our troubles, however niggling and insignificant, are not invited.
And that's hard to replace.
Some people recommend meditation, and apart from feeling like a pillock (thank you Sober Mummy for that- see her great post on meditation here), it's also a skill you have to work at.....not nearly as instant as alcohol.
Which is why I am fascinated with the latest trend in Adult Colouring Books.
Yes, that's correct - colouring in shapes and designs, just like when we were children.
Remember childhood? Those rainy afternoons working industriously away on a craft project, so engrossed that time just melted away....
Wouldn't it be great to get back there, just a short while every day? When the only dilemma faced is
'I wonder if a purple stem would look good on that yellow flower?"
I totally get it.
A lovely lady Naomi Gilmour from my business group is a firm advocate of colouring , and she was interviewed on Radio 2 this week...here's the link if you would like to listen. (The interview starts at about 1.37)
And speaking of pillocks, see if you can spot one in the interview.
I'm off to get my pencils sharpened :)
Sunday, 20 September 2015
Was it all a big Over Reaction?
Was I really that bad? Did I really need to quit for good?
Before I gave up drinking forever, I would surf the internet, and fill in endless questionnaires to figure out if I had a problem......well, more to convince myself that I didn't.
Now that I've not had a drink for 131 days, very occasionally an old familiar voice will whisper..."Seriously, don't you think this is all a bit over the top?".
So I devised my own questionnaire/ multiple choice session to refer back to, when I am gripped with a "fuck it" moment......you may use/amend/insert/delete if you think it might help.
Qu 1. While drinking, have you ever texted/posted on social media something inappropriate that you can't remember the next day?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. I had to lock my phone in the car every night and then I would still stumble to the car to get it if I felt in my drunken state that I had something to rant about, or "profound" to share.
(I chose "c")
Qu 2. Have you ever woken up in the morning with the sneaking suspicion that you had sex the night before but can't remember it?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. What's sober sex like?**
(I chose "c")
Qu 3. Have you ever thanked God for Netflix and re-watched episodes of a show, because you can't remember what happened, and you don't want anyone to know?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. Luckily I work from home, so I could (re) binge watch the whole of Breaking Bad.
(oh, you know)
Qu 4. Did you ever google "am I an alcoholic" or read a sober blog?
a. Never
b.Occasionally
c.Just look at my search engine results, you only have to type in "a" to see what the prompts are...
And finally.....
Qu 5. Now that you have given up drinking, do you ever wish that you could go back to the way things were?
a. Never
b. Never
c. Never, ever, ever, ever.
** Don't worry, I know now!
Have a great week,
WB xx
Before I gave up drinking forever, I would surf the internet, and fill in endless questionnaires to figure out if I had a problem......well, more to convince myself that I didn't.
Now that I've not had a drink for 131 days, very occasionally an old familiar voice will whisper..."Seriously, don't you think this is all a bit over the top?".
So I devised my own questionnaire/ multiple choice session to refer back to, when I am gripped with a "fuck it" moment......you may use/amend/insert/delete if you think it might help.
Qu 1. While drinking, have you ever texted/posted on social media something inappropriate that you can't remember the next day?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. I had to lock my phone in the car every night and then I would still stumble to the car to get it if I felt in my drunken state that I had something to rant about, or "profound" to share.
(I chose "c")
Qu 2. Have you ever woken up in the morning with the sneaking suspicion that you had sex the night before but can't remember it?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. What's sober sex like?**
(I chose "c")
Qu 3. Have you ever thanked God for Netflix and re-watched episodes of a show, because you can't remember what happened, and you don't want anyone to know?
a. Never
b. Occasionally
c. Luckily I work from home, so I could (re) binge watch the whole of Breaking Bad.
(oh, you know)
Qu 4. Did you ever google "am I an alcoholic" or read a sober blog?
a. Never
b.Occasionally
c.Just look at my search engine results, you only have to type in "a" to see what the prompts are...
And finally.....
Qu 5. Now that you have given up drinking, do you ever wish that you could go back to the way things were?
a. Never
b. Never
c. Never, ever, ever, ever.
** Don't worry, I know now!
Have a great week,
WB xx
Saturday, 19 September 2015
A Year ago...
I ended up being an entrepreneur because...well, there wasn't anything else I could actually do. Living in Paradise comes at a cost. No large employers, no real industry and very few well paying jobs.
Those "pillars" of the community that continue to pound on the "tourism" drum, fail to comprehend that most of the jobs created will be seasonal and minimum wage...but I digress...
So I found myself basically unemployable in the last few years - who would pay me $35 per hour for my skills and experience, when a recent business graduate of the local college only costs $18 per hour? Plus they are trainable, whereas I, as I have gracefully matured, find that taking direction is tiresome.
Sometimes there is a thin line between being self-employed and un-employed, the former promising a life of Inspiration and Fulfillment....the latter, twice weekly benefits.
At the moment, both my husband and I are in the fledgling stages of our businesses. "Start-ups" in fact. And ours are sometimes very lean indeed...
So this morning, my husband left for Prince George for a couple of weeks to work as a contractor at the pulp mill, and I am left with a long "to -do" list to keep this boat afloat.
Last year, at about this time, Bob took a contracting job. Similar situation.....except that I was still drinking.
I had tried unsuccessfully to cut down during the summer, but there was always another barbeque, another camping weekend, but I had resolved to really give it a go in the Fall.
And here was the perfect opportunity. Bob was going to be at a "dry" camp, I had lots to do in his absence. I was just starting my online business, and Bob's new invention had just been accepted into an R&D project in Arizona.
So this was it! He packed, and I made a To-Do list.
I would love to write that I made at least 24 hours of not drinking, before I succumbed. But before Bob had even disembarked from the ferry in Vancouver, I had already had a couple of glasses of wine.
Just today, I told myself, I'll buckle down tomorrow....
Well, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.......I don't think I had one day free from alcohol at all.
I did virtually nothing.
How's the website coming? Bob would ask when he phoned, "What did you do today?"...I made sure that I was not slurring when I took his call.....and lied through my teeth about my daily "accomplishments".
The night before he was due to arrive home, I had VOWED not to drink. But I did.
The alarm went off in the morning, but I slept through it. I was supposed to pick Bob up from the ferry terminal at 9, and I woke up at 8.35. I stumbled out of bed, hungover, and I managed to stub my toe on the bedpost, and ripped my toenail right off.
The pain speared through the fog, but I wasted precious moments trying to stop the bleeding.
I arrived at the Ferry Terminal (late) unshowered, sweaty, smelling of stale alcohol, with a blood stained wad of toilet paper around my toe.
Bob didn't say a word as he hugged me.
There were no recriminations or angry words for the work left undone. Even though the project manager from Arizona had finally got hold of Bob in camp, because I hadn't taken the call.
It's a year on, but I still feel such shame. While my husband was putting his life and business on hold to earn enough money to pay the bills, here was I, literally pissing it away.......
People have congratulated me and said nice things to me since I quit the booze. And they've asked me...how do you do it? Isn't it hard?
And yes, sometimes it is. Sometimes, there are the moments when I think...'a glass of wine right now would be lovely'...
In the moments when even the best parts of sobriety don't win over those romantic notions of "just one glass", I transport myself back to that morning, and the feeling of crushing shame, as I tried to explain away why I had let down the person I love more than anything in the world.
It works.
WB xx
Those "pillars" of the community that continue to pound on the "tourism" drum, fail to comprehend that most of the jobs created will be seasonal and minimum wage...but I digress...
So I found myself basically unemployable in the last few years - who would pay me $35 per hour for my skills and experience, when a recent business graduate of the local college only costs $18 per hour? Plus they are trainable, whereas I, as I have gracefully matured, find that taking direction is tiresome.
Sometimes there is a thin line between being self-employed and un-employed, the former promising a life of Inspiration and Fulfillment....the latter, twice weekly benefits.
At the moment, both my husband and I are in the fledgling stages of our businesses. "Start-ups" in fact. And ours are sometimes very lean indeed...
So this morning, my husband left for Prince George for a couple of weeks to work as a contractor at the pulp mill, and I am left with a long "to -do" list to keep this boat afloat.
Last year, at about this time, Bob took a contracting job. Similar situation.....except that I was still drinking.
I had tried unsuccessfully to cut down during the summer, but there was always another barbeque, another camping weekend, but I had resolved to really give it a go in the Fall.
And here was the perfect opportunity. Bob was going to be at a "dry" camp, I had lots to do in his absence. I was just starting my online business, and Bob's new invention had just been accepted into an R&D project in Arizona.
So this was it! He packed, and I made a To-Do list.
I would love to write that I made at least 24 hours of not drinking, before I succumbed. But before Bob had even disembarked from the ferry in Vancouver, I had already had a couple of glasses of wine.
Just today, I told myself, I'll buckle down tomorrow....
Well, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.......I don't think I had one day free from alcohol at all.
I did virtually nothing.
How's the website coming? Bob would ask when he phoned, "What did you do today?"...I made sure that I was not slurring when I took his call.....and lied through my teeth about my daily "accomplishments".
The night before he was due to arrive home, I had VOWED not to drink. But I did.
The alarm went off in the morning, but I slept through it. I was supposed to pick Bob up from the ferry terminal at 9, and I woke up at 8.35. I stumbled out of bed, hungover, and I managed to stub my toe on the bedpost, and ripped my toenail right off.
The pain speared through the fog, but I wasted precious moments trying to stop the bleeding.
I arrived at the Ferry Terminal (late) unshowered, sweaty, smelling of stale alcohol, with a blood stained wad of toilet paper around my toe.
Bob didn't say a word as he hugged me.
There were no recriminations or angry words for the work left undone. Even though the project manager from Arizona had finally got hold of Bob in camp, because I hadn't taken the call.
It's a year on, but I still feel such shame. While my husband was putting his life and business on hold to earn enough money to pay the bills, here was I, literally pissing it away.......
People have congratulated me and said nice things to me since I quit the booze. And they've asked me...how do you do it? Isn't it hard?
And yes, sometimes it is. Sometimes, there are the moments when I think...'a glass of wine right now would be lovely'...
In the moments when even the best parts of sobriety don't win over those romantic notions of "just one glass", I transport myself back to that morning, and the feeling of crushing shame, as I tried to explain away why I had let down the person I love more than anything in the world.
It works.
WB xx
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