Ooh, I actually had to check back to see what day it is. No, I know it's Tuesday, I meant what Sober Day - and it's 94.
For my bedtime reading, I've been revisiting my youth, and finding out all the stuff I didn't know about Mrs Thatcher. For example, I didn't know that she actually caused the Falkland's War, by an ill-judged approval to cut the defence budget which sent a signal to Argentina that she didn't care about defending the Falklands...big oops.
Anyhow, yesterday evening, I snuggled down with Mrs T, and who should join us, but Arthur Scargill!!
I had totally forgotten about him!
(Quick 1980's British Politics 101 - Mrs T (right wing saviour/mad woman, depending on your politics, determined to rid Britain of the "socialist scum" v Arthur Scargill , Marxist revolutionary/Luddite (again dependent on your point of view) - Big Showdown over coal mine closures. Mrs. T got the clear victory, Arthur Scargill slunk off to who knows where, the big losers were the manipulated miners)
Mrs T came to power in 1979 when I was eleven, and was booted out when I was twenty one.
You either Loved Her or Hated Her.
My Dad Loved Her. And I Loved to wind him up.
I delighted in provoking him. I wore CND * badges, quoted Karl Marx, wore "Free Nelson Mandela T-Shirt - ANYTHING to provoke a reaction!
My poor mum, one evening shouted "For God's sake! Can't we have just ONE family dinner without an argument?"
It was AWESOME!!
It all stopped when British politics slithered down into the cesspool of soundbites and spin doctors, and it was hard to figure out who stood for what, but for the best part of a decade, I squared off against my Dad - neither of us was for turning!!
Last night I was reminded about all these larger than life characters, who, at least had convictions.
I tried to remember what my convictions were. Did they slither into that same cesspool? Did I drown them with wine?
It's been a long time since I sharpened my debating skills, it's been a long time since I had a spark of passion to motivate me. Alcohol Induced Apathy.
But last night, as I relived the tumultuous 1980's, I remembered what it was like.
WB xx
* CND - Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
Monday, 10 August 2015
Goldilocks and the Three Liars
About eighteen months before I ditched the Witch and became the Bitch, I suffered with a bout of vertigo.
The main symptom of vertigo, is a horrible unbalanced feeling, even when you're sober.
The first time I experienced this, it was possible that I was still drunk from the night before, so when I swayed and had to catch onto the bathroom sink to stop me falling over when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, I just mentally filed the experience away, and didn't mention it to anyone.
The next time was first thing in the morning, and it was a rare morning after an alcohol free day.
When I was walking down the hallway, I staggered, and my husband thought I was having a stroke.
One visit to the doctors, and he diagnosed vertigo.
During the consultation, he asked me that question..
How much do you drink?
Without even blinking I answered
Oh I have a couple of glasses of wine, about four times a week
Poppycock! ( I have waited a long time to use that word)
Of course I lied. I lied to my doctor, my friends, my co-workers, myself about how much I was drinking.
But here's the weird thing. I lied because I was embarrassed about how much I was drinking, and because I was in denial.
And there is a stigma associated with drinking too much and having a "problem".
As we all know.
NOW, I lie about NOT drinking.
Oh I've given up because I get so much heartburn/ I'm on a diet/ doing a challenge for charity/insert your own excuse here
OR, I surreptitiously drink AF beer or wine, so that no -one notices. (A kind of lying, I think)
And the reason I am lying?
Because there is a stigma associated with NOT drinking!
It's like the three bears :
One Bear Drank FAR TOO MUCH!
One Bear Drank NOTHING AT ALL!
And the last Bear Drank "JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT!!
Except the last Bear is a BIG HAIRY LIAR!!
Just food (porridge) for thought xx
The main symptom of vertigo, is a horrible unbalanced feeling, even when you're sober.
The first time I experienced this, it was possible that I was still drunk from the night before, so when I swayed and had to catch onto the bathroom sink to stop me falling over when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, I just mentally filed the experience away, and didn't mention it to anyone.
The next time was first thing in the morning, and it was a rare morning after an alcohol free day.
When I was walking down the hallway, I staggered, and my husband thought I was having a stroke.
One visit to the doctors, and he diagnosed vertigo.
During the consultation, he asked me that question..
How much do you drink?
Without even blinking I answered
Oh I have a couple of glasses of wine, about four times a week
Poppycock! ( I have waited a long time to use that word)
Of course I lied. I lied to my doctor, my friends, my co-workers, myself about how much I was drinking.
But here's the weird thing. I lied because I was embarrassed about how much I was drinking, and because I was in denial.
And there is a stigma associated with drinking too much and having a "problem".
As we all know.
NOW, I lie about NOT drinking.
Oh I've given up because I get so much heartburn/ I'm on a diet/ doing a challenge for charity/insert your own excuse here
OR, I surreptitiously drink AF beer or wine, so that no -one notices. (A kind of lying, I think)
And the reason I am lying?
Because there is a stigma associated with NOT drinking!
It's like the three bears :
One Bear Drank FAR TOO MUCH!
One Bear Drank NOTHING AT ALL!
And the last Bear Drank "JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT!!
Except the last Bear is a BIG HAIRY LIAR!!
Just food (porridge) for thought xx
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Day 92 If Sleeping was an Olympic Sport....
If Sleeping was an Olympic sport, then I would surely be a medal contender. At least over the last few weeks.
Every evening I find myself clock watching, not for wine o'clock any more but
"Is is too early to go to bed yet......it's nearly nine o'clock..."
My husband is quite amused by all this, it used to be him in bed and snoring before me - because I was otherwise occupied 'just tidying up" - i.e. finishing off any wine.
Sometimes I would wake up on the couch, in the same position that I had passed out, hours before, the TV still on. Sometimes my husband would wake up and come and get me - or so he told me, most times I don't recall.
Now, I am tucked up as soon as possible, with a book (I've lost all interest in TV), and I read until I'm sleepy, sometimes even before my husband comes to bed.
I sleep for about nine or ten hours lately. I know some of it is P.A.W.S, but in some weird way, I think I'm making up for decades when I have felt constantly tired.
My ex-husband used to complain that I snored. But only if I was facing a certain way, or on my back. In the first years, he found it endearing, but as the rest of our relationship deteriorated, he found it irritating and annoying. I would try and wait until he fell asleep, so I could relax and drift off, all too often I would get a sharp poke in the ribs and a hiss in my ear...
"Move over!" .
In the end he couldn't stand sleeping with me, the same way I couldn't stand to eat with him - how did I not notice the slurping sounds he made when he was eating?
Sometimes I was so tired that I used to take the afternoon off work without telling him, so I could sneak home and nap in peace.
After we broke up, and wine was my evening companion - I no longer slept, I passed out. I woke up in the early hours most mornings, dehydrated, sheets sweaty, my dogs piled on the bed.
Some nights, to avoid waking up in a chair with my neck aching, I would even take the wine to bed with me, so in the morning, the acrid stale alcohol stench wasn't just coming from my breath and my pores.
My habits improved considerably when I met my husband. We both laughed about snoring - he rumbles all night like an engine, and after decades of grabbing power naps on a fish boat in torrential rain, my "purring" as he calls it doesn't disturb him at all.
The wine glass disappeared from my bedside table, and the dogs were banished from the bedroom too, but my sleep patterns were still dictated by my alcohol consumption.
I was still chronically tired.
When I finally put down the bottle, it took several weeks to adjust.
Firstly, I found it almost impossible to drift off. My brain was whirring, my body was restless without the chloroform effects of alcohol in my system.
Gradually over the last couple of weeks, my body finally trusts that this alcohol free state is permanent and the new normal and has rewarded me with the prize that has alluded me for most of my adult life -
A healthy night's slumber.
xx
Every evening I find myself clock watching, not for wine o'clock any more but
"Is is too early to go to bed yet......it's nearly nine o'clock..."
My husband is quite amused by all this, it used to be him in bed and snoring before me - because I was otherwise occupied 'just tidying up" - i.e. finishing off any wine.
Sometimes I would wake up on the couch, in the same position that I had passed out, hours before, the TV still on. Sometimes my husband would wake up and come and get me - or so he told me, most times I don't recall.
Now, I am tucked up as soon as possible, with a book (I've lost all interest in TV), and I read until I'm sleepy, sometimes even before my husband comes to bed.
I sleep for about nine or ten hours lately. I know some of it is P.A.W.S, but in some weird way, I think I'm making up for decades when I have felt constantly tired.
My ex-husband used to complain that I snored. But only if I was facing a certain way, or on my back. In the first years, he found it endearing, but as the rest of our relationship deteriorated, he found it irritating and annoying. I would try and wait until he fell asleep, so I could relax and drift off, all too often I would get a sharp poke in the ribs and a hiss in my ear...
"Move over!" .
In the end he couldn't stand sleeping with me, the same way I couldn't stand to eat with him - how did I not notice the slurping sounds he made when he was eating?
Sometimes I was so tired that I used to take the afternoon off work without telling him, so I could sneak home and nap in peace.
After we broke up, and wine was my evening companion - I no longer slept, I passed out. I woke up in the early hours most mornings, dehydrated, sheets sweaty, my dogs piled on the bed.
Some nights, to avoid waking up in a chair with my neck aching, I would even take the wine to bed with me, so in the morning, the acrid stale alcohol stench wasn't just coming from my breath and my pores.
My habits improved considerably when I met my husband. We both laughed about snoring - he rumbles all night like an engine, and after decades of grabbing power naps on a fish boat in torrential rain, my "purring" as he calls it doesn't disturb him at all.
The wine glass disappeared from my bedside table, and the dogs were banished from the bedroom too, but my sleep patterns were still dictated by my alcohol consumption.
I was still chronically tired.
When I finally put down the bottle, it took several weeks to adjust.
Firstly, I found it almost impossible to drift off. My brain was whirring, my body was restless without the chloroform effects of alcohol in my system.
Gradually over the last couple of weeks, my body finally trusts that this alcohol free state is permanent and the new normal and has rewarded me with the prize that has alluded me for most of my adult life -
A healthy night's slumber.
xx
Friday, 7 August 2015
Day 90 - Not My Circus....Not My Monkeys....
Yay! Day 90!
One huge benefit to this sober thing, is the ability to deal with the daily "drama" that life throws at you without 1. Overreacting to it and 2. Contributing to it
Today is not only day 90 of sobriety for me, but also Day 11 of BF#2's visit.
My patience is wearing thin, and although I have not even thought about running for wine, I have been locking myself away in my office, with a note on the door that says
"Working. Do not disturb unless you have coffee".
Inside the office, you can hear me chanting..
"Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my circus, not my monkeys"
Here's a small excerpt of the daily drama....
Dramatic Scene 1. WB, Mr.WB, BF#1, Mrs BF#1 and BF#2 sit around pretend camp fire.
BF#1, obnoxiously drunk, refers to Mrs BF#1 by his ex-wife's name. An awkward silence, as Mrs BF#1 exits the scene stage left, muttering "I've had enough of this F**king bullshit"
BF#1 follows, raised argumentative voices....fading out...
WB exits stage right, goes to bed to read book (about Mrs Thatcher, actually it's quite good)
Dramatic Scene 2.
Dusk.WB, Mr WB & BF#2 arrive home from pub (WB driving the truck, as Mr.WB begins to appreciate the benefits of her sobriety)
Arrive in the driveway to hear raised voices (more like screams) from next door, as very drunk BF#1 and Mrs. BF#1 duke it out on their deck.
WB exits stage right, goes to bed to read book. (I didn't know that Mrs Thatcher had a sister! Muriel!)
Dramatic Scene 3.
WB in bed with Mrs Thatcher.
Loud knock on the front door. Crying and sobbing can be heard from Mrs BF#1 as it becomes apparent that BF#1 has gone on a drunken rampage in his truck!! WTF??
She wants one of us to drive around looking for him.
Sounds like a really bad idea!!
WB (realizing that she is the only one who is stone cold sober, and therefore the only candidate for the proposed rescue expedition, hurriedly turns off the light and shoves Mrs Thatcher under the covers)
Stay tuned for more dramatic, alcohol-fuelled scenes...
I am so thankful that I am no longer drinking. Apart from a few days of PAWS, I have managed to stay calm and keep my sense of humour.
Every so often though, if you listen carefully, you can hear me chant under my breath "not my circus, not my monkeys, not my circus, not my monkeys...."
Have a wonderful Friday,
WB xx
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Go with the Flow...
The definition of happiness - a boat that works. I heard just heard the sweet sound of the new diesel motor, and I know that soon, very soon, the boat will be out of my driveway, and in it's rightful place, the ocean...yay!
And of course, my husband is ecstatic, as are BF#1 and BF#2 and all the random people who seemed to have shown up over the last few days.
I am happy for them.
Funnily enough, although they are delighted at the sound of a working engine, there has been a happy buzz around the place, along with earnest discussion, as they have replaced the motor, re-wired the boat, and countless other jobs that have kept them busy from dawn to dusk.
And if got me thinking.....
A long time ago, after I had left education, and was working in a soul-sucking job for a property development company based in Weybridge, I started studying Psychology via the Open University just for the hell of it. (Actually, I had to do something to stop my brain from atrophying).
I really enjoyed the course, and one of the texts that we had to read, stayed with me (somewhere I have the copy of the book)
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (I know) researched happiness. He found (along with many other researchers) that after a certain level of material well being has been reached, no further increase in material wealth will increase our level of happiness.
His research, firstly with creative people such as artists and musicians, and then further research with factory workers, found that we are most happy when we reach a "flow" state.
Very simply, a flow state is when you are so absorbed in your activity that you don't notice the time, you don't realize that you have missed a meal....you are totally and utterly in the zone...
And this state could be achieved, even if the work, on the face of it, is mundane and repetitive.
My husband and his friends have achieved this flow state over the last few days working on the boat.
Wine robs you of this.
Wine makes it impossible for you to achieve this amazing state of flow. Because your brain (on wine) is more concerned with it's next fix, not the activity at hand.
When I think of all those Saturday afternoons, when I had finished cleaning and laundry - I had fleeting thoughts of pulling out my writing, working on my business, working in the garden....doing anything that would get me into that zone of happiness......
But instead, I numbed those thoughts with wine, I drifted into a different zone of nothingness...
Very gradually, I have managed to return to a flow state. I more often find myself working and forgetting the time, and being really cheerful about it.
The irritating P.A.W.S gets in the way some days, but I know over time, those restless days will become less and less.
Some day soon.......the Flow of Happiness.....will have totally replaced the Zone of Nothingness.
And of course, my husband is ecstatic, as are BF#1 and BF#2 and all the random people who seemed to have shown up over the last few days.
I am happy for them.
Funnily enough, although they are delighted at the sound of a working engine, there has been a happy buzz around the place, along with earnest discussion, as they have replaced the motor, re-wired the boat, and countless other jobs that have kept them busy from dawn to dusk.
And if got me thinking.....
A long time ago, after I had left education, and was working in a soul-sucking job for a property development company based in Weybridge, I started studying Psychology via the Open University just for the hell of it. (Actually, I had to do something to stop my brain from atrophying).
I really enjoyed the course, and one of the texts that we had to read, stayed with me (somewhere I have the copy of the book)
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (I know) researched happiness. He found (along with many other researchers) that after a certain level of material well being has been reached, no further increase in material wealth will increase our level of happiness.
His research, firstly with creative people such as artists and musicians, and then further research with factory workers, found that we are most happy when we reach a "flow" state.
Very simply, a flow state is when you are so absorbed in your activity that you don't notice the time, you don't realize that you have missed a meal....you are totally and utterly in the zone...
And this state could be achieved, even if the work, on the face of it, is mundane and repetitive.
My husband and his friends have achieved this flow state over the last few days working on the boat.
Wine robs you of this.
Wine makes it impossible for you to achieve this amazing state of flow. Because your brain (on wine) is more concerned with it's next fix, not the activity at hand.
When I think of all those Saturday afternoons, when I had finished cleaning and laundry - I had fleeting thoughts of pulling out my writing, working on my business, working in the garden....doing anything that would get me into that zone of happiness......
But instead, I numbed those thoughts with wine, I drifted into a different zone of nothingness...
Very gradually, I have managed to return to a flow state. I more often find myself working and forgetting the time, and being really cheerful about it.
The irritating P.A.W.S gets in the way some days, but I know over time, those restless days will become less and less.
Some day soon.......the Flow of Happiness.....will have totally replaced the Zone of Nothingness.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Beer & Wine Store
I went into a Beer & Wine store today. ( UK & US friends, here in Canada, you can't buy alcohol in a supermarket or grocery store, there are designated stores with licences for that).
I did it without thinking. I purchased a six pack of beer for the guys who are working on a boat which is sat in my driveway (hopefully, for not much longer).
I paid for the beer and left.
It wasn't until I was out of the store and driving home, that I realised I hadn't even checked out the wine section. I just got what I wanted, paid for it and left. Like a "normal" person on a "normal" shopping errand.
Buying wine used to be a stressful experience. Driving home I would negotiate with myself -
"You don't need wine, you had wine last night"
"But today was stressful"
"Just have a cup of tea tonight"
"But we're having halibut, it's so much nicer with white wine"
"If you don't have wine tonight, you can have wine tomorrow"
"But I want it now!"
And so on.
Then I would get self conscious about the store I was buying from. I always tried not to buy wine from the same store two days in a row because I imagined that the check-out people were judging me.
So I would change my route home accordingly.
Then, once inside the store, I would have another dilemma - one bottle or two?
If I bought just one, then I might have to share. So I usually bought two.
Towards the end of my slide, it was easy to buy two, because I switched to white wine. My husband doesn't drink white wine, so I would buy red for him. And then it was win-win, because I could drink the whole bottle of white, and then finish the red because there was no way my husband would ever drink the whole bottle.
Sometime I would make a feeble attempt at conversation with the check-out person-
"This is a new one - is it popular?"
As if I was some kind of wine journalist doing research.
The whole experience used to make me feel anxious and guilty.
Then I would do the daily dance with my husband....
Husband :"You bought wine?"
Me "Yes, it's been a long day" - defensively, waiting for a negative comment......
I didn't notice until today, this one more piece of stress that has been eliminated from my life.
I guess it's like banging your head against a wall - it's nice when it stops!
I did it without thinking. I purchased a six pack of beer for the guys who are working on a boat which is sat in my driveway (hopefully, for not much longer).
I paid for the beer and left.
It wasn't until I was out of the store and driving home, that I realised I hadn't even checked out the wine section. I just got what I wanted, paid for it and left. Like a "normal" person on a "normal" shopping errand.
Buying wine used to be a stressful experience. Driving home I would negotiate with myself -
"You don't need wine, you had wine last night"
"But today was stressful"
"Just have a cup of tea tonight"
"But we're having halibut, it's so much nicer with white wine"
"If you don't have wine tonight, you can have wine tomorrow"
"But I want it now!"
And so on.
Then I would get self conscious about the store I was buying from. I always tried not to buy wine from the same store two days in a row because I imagined that the check-out people were judging me.
So I would change my route home accordingly.
Then, once inside the store, I would have another dilemma - one bottle or two?
If I bought just one, then I might have to share. So I usually bought two.
Towards the end of my slide, it was easy to buy two, because I switched to white wine. My husband doesn't drink white wine, so I would buy red for him. And then it was win-win, because I could drink the whole bottle of white, and then finish the red because there was no way my husband would ever drink the whole bottle.
Sometime I would make a feeble attempt at conversation with the check-out person-
"This is a new one - is it popular?"
As if I was some kind of wine journalist doing research.
The whole experience used to make me feel anxious and guilty.
Then I would do the daily dance with my husband....
Husband :"You bought wine?"
Me "Yes, it's been a long day" - defensively, waiting for a negative comment......
I didn't notice until today, this one more piece of stress that has been eliminated from my life.
I guess it's like banging your head against a wall - it's nice when it stops!
Monday, 3 August 2015
Should I Jump off a Bridge?
As this heat wave continues, I am relying heavily on chilled AF beer and a daily swim in the river.
This would never have happen when drinking wine. Last year, it was just as hot, but because I was half way down a chilled bottle of wine most afternoons, I couldn't be bothered to move from my deckchair in the shade. A swim would have cut into my drinking time.
This year, as the drought has continued, we've moved farther and farther up the river to find more refreshing water holes, where the river is still running fast from the top of the mountain.
To get to the river each day, we have to pass the Bungee Zone.
Years ago, local Island people started the Bungee Zone - hurling themselves off a old trestle bridge for fun - and very soon, it became a local attraction. People would actually pay to do this.
This "attraction" is literally a five minute walk from our driveway, and yet I have never bothered to investigate.
In my mind, I have had this image of three or four guys with a rope on top of a bridge - "Here, hold my beer, watch this...."
Last year, a large American company took over operations - and the Bungee Zone became "Wild Play"
And if there is one thing that Americans do superbly (there are many things of course, my lovely American friends) it's Theme Parks.
Five minutes from my home - just a short walk - is the most amazing outdoor theme park....and I never knew!
After our swim today, my unexpected guest (see yesterday's post) asked to stop in at Wild Play, because she wanted to do a bungee jump. She had done a lot of research and was really excited that we lived right next door to this world class attraction!!
Very soon my embarrassment turned to awe, as we walked through a beautifully coiffured park, and high up in the trees, people were ziplining and whooping with excitement.
Wild play has an assortment of attractions for all age groups. Rock climbing, Zip Lining, Bungee Jumping, obstacle courses......who knew?
I didn't. And last year I didn't care. 87 days ago I didn't care.
As I watched my guest drop off a bridge into the chasm over the river - screaming with excitement - I was so grateful that I have finally emerged from my self-imposed cocoon.
And maybe, I thought......just maybe......I might jump off the bridge myself.
xx.
This would never have happen when drinking wine. Last year, it was just as hot, but because I was half way down a chilled bottle of wine most afternoons, I couldn't be bothered to move from my deckchair in the shade. A swim would have cut into my drinking time.
This year, as the drought has continued, we've moved farther and farther up the river to find more refreshing water holes, where the river is still running fast from the top of the mountain.
To get to the river each day, we have to pass the Bungee Zone.
Years ago, local Island people started the Bungee Zone - hurling themselves off a old trestle bridge for fun - and very soon, it became a local attraction. People would actually pay to do this.
This "attraction" is literally a five minute walk from our driveway, and yet I have never bothered to investigate.
In my mind, I have had this image of three or four guys with a rope on top of a bridge - "Here, hold my beer, watch this...."
Last year, a large American company took over operations - and the Bungee Zone became "Wild Play"
And if there is one thing that Americans do superbly (there are many things of course, my lovely American friends) it's Theme Parks.
Five minutes from my home - just a short walk - is the most amazing outdoor theme park....and I never knew!
After our swim today, my unexpected guest (see yesterday's post) asked to stop in at Wild Play, because she wanted to do a bungee jump. She had done a lot of research and was really excited that we lived right next door to this world class attraction!!
Very soon my embarrassment turned to awe, as we walked through a beautifully coiffured park, and high up in the trees, people were ziplining and whooping with excitement.
Wild play has an assortment of attractions for all age groups. Rock climbing, Zip Lining, Bungee Jumping, obstacle courses......who knew?
I didn't. And last year I didn't care. 87 days ago I didn't care.
As I watched my guest drop off a bridge into the chasm over the river - screaming with excitement - I was so grateful that I have finally emerged from my self-imposed cocoon.
And maybe, I thought......just maybe......I might jump off the bridge myself.
xx.
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