Donald Trump - Messiah or Bogeyman?

I love American politics. I love the unapologetic theatre, the passion, the pundits, and yes, even the sleaze.
Here in Canada, and definitely in England, people have been known to sneer a little at American politics, calling it a "circus", lacking "substance" or "dignity".

But I don't listen to those people. And nor, I'm sure, does Donald Trump. In fact, he doesn't really seem to listen anyone who disagrees with him (or anyone who happens to be female. Or Mexican.)

At first, it was funny. I was tuning in just to gape at  What Donald Said Next.

But then, he began to gain momentum in the polls, and it started to be Serious. Some political commentators are already voicing what some people may be thinking....

Could Donald Trump be the next Leader of the Free World?

I was reminded of a WB Yeats poem...

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, 
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Donald's supporters are saying things like.."He's a breath of fresh air" and 'He's not afraid to speak his mind"......only sadly, his "mind' seems to be misogynistic and racist.

But, knowing little about Donald, except that he is an obnoxious billionaire, I did some research.(google). And I found out that he has never had an alcoholic drink in his life!! 

His older brother Freddie, died from Alcoholism, and Donald learned from his mistakes. He talks quite candidly in several interviews about his brother's struggle with alcohol and the effect on his life;

"He was a great-looking guy. He had the best personality. He had everything. But he had a problem with alcohol and cigarettes. He knew he had the problem, and it's a tough problem to have. He was ten years older than me, and he would always tell me not to drink or smoke. And to this day I've never had a cigarette. I've never had a glass of alcohol. I won't even drink a cup of coffee. I just stay away from those things because he had such a tremendous problem. Fred did me a great favor. It's one of the greatest favors anyone's ever done for me"  January 2004, Esquire.

He goes on to say in the same interview;

"I've never understood why people don't go after the alcohol companies like they did the tobacco companies. Alcohol is a much worse problem than cigarettes"

Now I'm starting to like the guy. Could he be one of us?  

I bit more digging, and I found that in 1990, he argued that all drugs should be legalized, and the money put into drug rehab programs. (Sounds suspiciously liberal)

All joking aside, it's about time that we had someone in a position of influence and power to change the conversation and our collective mindset around Alcohol. Someone who could take on the industry, in the same way that the Tobacco industry was challenged - just look at the way attitudes have changed towards smoking!

And who better than someone who has openly spoken about the devastating effect that alcoholism can have on people's lives?

Alas, an hour more research.......

"Trump started selling vodka under his name . The “super premium” liquor hit shelves in 2006 .... Trump had big plans for the beverage. He said it would be “a major player in the vodka arena” because of its quality and packaging"

Sold out before he even begun. I was starting to have a glimmer of hope....but....

Donald Trump is not the Messiah. He's just another politician with a bad haircut.

The Sober Revolution will continue on - not a showy campaign with televised stump speeches, or triumphant rallies, no celebrity endorsements, or town hall debates.

Just a quiet, relentless grassroots movement, started by people who have discovered that when they put down the bottle....

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” W.B Yeats.

 

Addition, Not Elimination.

"Sober" is a word that for many of us is synonymous with "Deprivation".

 I think that is the reason why I struggled to quit the booze for such a long time. I saw my life stretching out in front of me with a big wine shaped void in it. 

Alcohol is woven into the comfort blanket of our lives from the very beginning - from "wetting the baby's head", we include drinking as the main feature of almost every milestone - romantic sun soaked evenings with Merlot, Chilled Champagne at the reception, Brandy on a winter's evening, Cold Beer when we're camping....right up to raising a glass to see us off into the afterlife.

It's no wonder that contemplating a lifetime with no alcohol can seem like a life sentence of self denial and isolation.

Diets are much like this. The new thinking around dieting, is that we don't actually "diet" (Lots of interesting information about this at http://slimhappyandeating.com if you are interested).

Have you noticed that so many diets start off with 'First eliminate sugar/fat/soda/bread.....whatever the advice of the day is, and first we start off with great intentions, but very soon we crave whatever it is that we are supposed to be eliminating?
Surely a far better approach is to focus on the good things that we add to our daily food intake?
Have that slice of chocolate cake, but why not eat a leafy salad in the evening as well?
The underlying theory is that as we notice how much better we feel when we eat the good stuff, we'll keep adding it, and eventually it will edge out the bad stuff. Without feeling that we have deprived ourselves.

In other words, a better approach is to eliminate the eliminations.

Much the same with Sobriety.

A similar approach is to focus on the good stuff, no, the great stuff that is introduced into your life, and very soon that feeling of loss and deprivation will fizzle away...here are my top Great Additions since I gave up the booze;

• Time.

When I was drinking, the day stopped at wine o'clock. Evenings were just hazy recollections of half watched TV reruns. Now, my evenings are productive if I want them to be. I have a good three hours to work, read, write, converse with my husband....and I can still watch the TV (and remember it in the morning).  I estimate that I have added about five productive hours to my day. I can also while away an afternoon just reading a good book, knowing that I have plenty of time to catch up with chores later. And most importantly, as the threat of about eight different major diseases has diminished, I have added a few more healthy years to my lifespan.

• Mornings.

I used to say 'I'm not a morning person". Translated ..."I'm hungover and feel too shitty to appreciate the morning, person".
These days, I revel in the mornings. I love the smell of coffee (which used to make my stomach flip flop), I love to sit on my porch, and just be...before the day begins. Sometimes, I plan my day, sometimes I putter in my greenhouse.....whatever I do, the day starts with a sense of calm and contentment, that filters through the subsequent hours. A good morning almost never develops into a bad day.

• Fun

Ha! You say....how is "fun' possible without a drink? Not only is it possible, but fun is..well., more fun now I can fully participate! A day at the beach, an afternoon fishing, or an evening with friends around the camp fire - all far more fun now I am not worried if I have enough wine, if I am slurring my words, or embarrassing myself. 

• Connections

 When I was drinking, I was boring and self absorbed. I rarely listened to what other people were saying, and if I did, I wouldn't remember, I took no interest in anybody else's life, because my whole being revolved around a wine glass. Now, I have real connections with people. We have real conversations. And more than that, old friends who drifted away, bored and irritated by Drunk Jackie, have reappeared in my life. And of course, there are the many connections that I have made in Sober Blog World, who support, comfort and guide me.

So there you are. Four major positive additions to my life that would not have occurred if I had still been drinking.

So, when your mind wanders to everything you think you are giving up when you quit the booze, try to focus on all that you have to gain.

And eventually you will eliminate the eliminations.

The Crab Trap Syndrome.

"Aha", said my friend, "I knew you'd start drinking again!"

He was referring to the chilled amber liquid in my glass, that I was enjoying while sitting on my porch step, in the late September sun.

A second later, visibly disappointed when I pointed to the AF beer can, he asked...

"So when are you going to start drinking again?"

This is a question that I am being asked frequently these days. It's as if my friends and acquaintances have indulged this fad of mine for the summer- much the same as indulging a new diet or exercise regime..."Oh God, are you still cutting out bread? One slice isn't going to kill you!" - and are impatient for me to get back to being....well, the old me.

In the very early days, I was very hesitant about declaring LIFE LONG SOBRIETY!...firstly because I wasn't sure that I could even make 30 days without a drink, and I certainly didn't want to contemplate the whole of my life with an wine shaped hole in it , and secondly, I was embarrassed. I wasn't able to admit that the reason I had stopped drinking was because I had to.

Now, four months later, even after I have explained the full truth, it's as if some people in my life either don't quite believe it, or have chosen to ignore it.

My husband wasn't really fully on board to start with either.

"Well, you'll have a drink when we tour the vineyards in California, won't you? he asked.

Now, he is first one to say proudly when I'm offered wine - "No, my wife doesn't drink".

Yet, for others, it was OK to cut out the booze for a while " Well you were pounding it back a bit" and 'That break from wine has done you good - you've lost weight!", they were basically supportive of what they saw as an experiment, now it's time to get back to Normal.

Time for the Old Jackie to come back.

These people fall into several categories. And for me - and maybe you also - the category will be the deciding factor of whether they ever play a major part in my life again.

Because folks - you heard it here first - The Old Jackie Is Never Coming Back.

So, here are my categories...

•  People Who think I'm Over-Reacting

I never looked or behaved like a "real" addict. I didn't lose my job (pretty hard when you're self employed, although I definitely could have fired myself many times over), I didn't fall over drunk at every social occasion, I didn't get a DUI, I didn't live under a bridge, or drink cheap cider out of a bottle in a paper bag. I didn't fit the stereotype of a 'drunk", so therefore I couldn't possibly have had a problem. More likely, I'm a middle-aged women who is self obsessed with my "issues".

•  People Who Have No Understanding About Alcohol Dependency.

These are the people who are "normal" drinkers. They make one beer last all evening. They have one glass of wine. They are people who actually use those pretty wine stoppers to save the wine after drinking one glass. So they have blank looks on their faces when I try to explain that for me, an open bottle of wine was an invitation for a race to the bottom.
"So why didn't you just stop?" they ask, all confused.
In fairness, the confusion is mutual. I never understood them either.

Lastly, there is the more dangerous category. These are the people that the Wine Witch would love to recruit as her henchmen. These are people who are suffering from......

• The Crab Trap Syndrome 

A crab is attracted into a trap by the bait (chopped up old fish). The trap has an opening, the crab wanders in, eats the bait, and then.....if the crab is all alone, it will often wander out the trap, the same way it came in.
But here's the thing, if there are more than one crab, they will eat the bait, BUT, if one crab attempts to wander out, the other crab(s) will pull it back in!! 

Even though all the crabs could leave the trap through the opening, they will all prevent each other from leaving. It's the crab version of "misery loves company"

For some people in my life, sobriety is not something to be celebrated or supported, because it sheds a harsh light (so they think) on their own drinking habits. The only way to shut off that glare, is to pull you back into the trap.

I don't really concern myself about the first two categories of people. Over the last months, they have got used to me refusing a glass of wine, and the comments have gone from;

'Still not drinking eh?" to "Oops, I forgot, I've got some AF beer here for you"

And the last category? Sadly, I leave them to the bait. I see it in the trap, I see the other crabs chomping on it, and I just keep walking (sideways- this is still a crab analogy)......these days, the bait is just stinky rotten fish.










 

Blame it on Jackie O

There's one thing that bothers me about this whole alcohol dependency thing.

Why me?

And yes, the obvious answer is "why not me?" Why should I be so special that I shouldn't stub my toe on a few of life's stumbling blocks....but I am fixated on "where did my Wine Bitchery come from?"

The debate (mostly in my head) goes like this :

Why am I an alcoholic? There aren't any other alcoholics in the family....that I know of ! Am I the token drunk? Does every family get one? If so, why is it me? Why not Auntie Beryl?

I really struggle with the whole "Alcoholism is Genetic" stance, because like every other "nature v nurture" debate, it raises far more questions than it answers. And for every piece of research that links alcoholism to genetic make-up, there is another study that will de-bunk the theory.

So here's my Theory.

My theory is that for me, and for many other women of my generation, drinking is normal. It's perfectly normal to pour a chilled glass of wine the minute we walk through the door in the evening, it's normal to drink wine in the afternoon with friends, it's normal to drink alone in the evening while watching the TV, when you go to your Book Club evenings, when you meet a friend after work, when you get together with other mums at a play date. It's NORMAL !!

But when did it GET normal? When was the Tipping Point?

A generation ago, it wasn't normal. My grandmother only drank a small sherry at Christmas, or at a very special celebration. My mother very rarely drank anything, until the last couple of decades, when she did take a liking to wine, and now it's perfectly normal for her to have a glass or two in the evenings. But she NEVER drinks alone, and NEVER in the afternoon.

So how did we get here?

I did some research. (I googled).

Turns out that until the 1960's, wine was considered ( In America, and by association, I include Canada and the UK) to be the drink of lowlifes. "Winos". (Or the French). It wasn't considered to be sophisticated, and as "ladies" did not drink hard liquor, or beer, there really wasn't an alcoholic beverage that was a normal option for a girl to drink!

All this changed in 1962.

The young glamorous bride of John Kennedy was disrupting the stuffy atmosphere of the White House and imprinting her own elegant style, not only on that iconic symbol of American pride, but also on the psyche of the American public, particularly the American Housewife who was trying to emulate Jackie's style and panache - her clothes, her make-up, her shoes..........and her household.

Jackie Kennedy hosted a televised tour of the White House, and during the walk through, the cameras panned round her dining table, set with beautiful cutlery and china.....and crystal wine glasses...

It was at that moment (according to Google) that WINE became fashionable. Finally a Drink for the Ladies!!

Of course it took another decade or so, and some inspired marketing for us to get here....certainly in the UK we suffered through German Liebfraumilch, Blue Nun, and Black Tower, before we grudgingly conceded that the French were good at something, and then, of course came the fruity upstarts from California.

All of that change coincided with some bra burning and Gloria Steinem, and voila - we can drink the lads under the table! Hurrah for us and our Normal Drinking!

We need another Tipping Point.

We need the elegance and style of Jackie Kennedy Onassis to disrupt the status quo again.

We need "Sober" to be fashionable.

We need Sobriety to be the new normal. 

WBxx.
  
P.S. I have no hard feelings towards Jackie Kennedy. In fact, I was named after her. As well as no other drunkard women in my family, there are no other "Jacquelines". Apparently my mother loved Jackie's style and her name, so I got it. The name, sadly not the style.
 

 









 

The Fall.

Labour Day weekend is now over. The kids are now back to school, and police cars are everywhere, presumably hoping to boost their September Traffic Violation Targets with people who forget to slow down in the school zones (yes I know that they SAY they don't have targets...)

September is the Start of the Year. I can't shake that feeling. January is so not a "starting month" - it's in the middle of dreary winter, it's dark and depressing, whereas September is full of glorious colour, there's the magical transition from dusty summer to dewy misty mornings with watery sunlight, and the smell of fresh start in the air.

So I felt the urge this past weekend to clean, declutter and prepare for the fresh beginning.

Cleaning and decluttering has been the hallmark of my sobriety, but this weekend was in a different league.

I changed the spare room into my new office. Three reasons :

1. The spare room is at the back of the house and is quieter
2. It has more room for my large desk and filing cabinet
3. It has a lovely window that looks out over the forest.

Ok. You got me...

1. No large spare room = no visitors
2. See # 1
3. See # 1 & # 2.

In three days I had cleaned out the room, including the gun cabinet ( I found several bullets and half a deer antler that my husband claimed was 'ceremonial'), I had painted the room a lovely shade of "basmati rice" (off white), donated three large bags of clothes and linen to my mother-in-law's church fundraiser for refugees, and two boxes of bric -a brac to my evil sister-in-law's fund raiser for Belly Dancers ( Belly Dancers are people too) 

I felt smug as I set up my desk last night. Then.......everybody freeze, did you hear that?.......who's there?..

Not you again! 

Whaatt???? Whatdaya mean? I was just saying, no, SUGGESTING...that after all that work....one tinsy glass of wine wouldn't hurt...now would it?

Why don't you just fuck off?

Oh come on! Look at your lovely room! And a New Start tomorrow!! Go back to this sober thingy tomorrow!!

118 days without you, I don't need you now.....

You see? You can do it! So one glass of wine tonight, and then back on the wagon tomorrow! No biggy....

I don' t do "one glass of wine". You know that. I do "one bottle of wine" and then I want more. If I give in now, my lovely new office won't be a place of sanctuary, a place to write, to build my dreams, it will be the room of shame, the room of failure. It will be YOUR room, you bitch. So fuck off.

And I had my first cup of tea in my new office, watching the shadows grow longer and the light fade. 





 

If They Don't Go, I Can't Miss Them...

Just a quick post to say that this is the VERY LAST weekend of summer holidays here on sunny Vancouver Island, and the last weekend that Bob & Jackie's B & B will be operating....

Our last set of visitors are here at the moment.

I am giving myself up to a higher power.

I have stopped stressing about time and how I am not getting things done and that I haven't been blogging or working on my business as much as I want, or that I need to clean up the garden.

I am coping with a house full of people, and still not wanting to dive into a bottle of wine.

The work can still be done next week.

The house and garden can wait.


Sober Mummy's Blog this morning put things into perspective (Thank you SM).

Have a lovely weekend ( Long one, if you are in Canada),

WB xx

The Shift.

I read on my social media feeds about the passing of Dr Wayne Dyer.

I have a confession, I have never read any of his work, or heard him speak. I know very little about him.

In my head, I had him filed under "New Age-y Motivational Speaker". And as I have a natural skepticism about 'Motivational Speakers" ..seriously, how can that be an actual job... I had dismissed Dr Dyer in my own cynical way, along with Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy.

So, fighting against my Inner Cynic (who hangs out with the Wine Witch, I'm certain), I watched the whole of "The Shift" last night.


At first Inner Cynic was whispering in my ear;

"Easy for him to discount ambition and achievement...now that he has published books and made a gazillion dollars...."

And then I sat up as Dr Dyer described his own decision to give up alcohol.

Inner Cynic groaned..."Oh no not this again, you are totally obsessed...."

Then I was mesmerized. (Here's a link to the whole documentary)

I have been thinking about it all day and here are my thoughts.

I do believe that becoming sober was my 'shift'. I had been self medicating because I really felt that I hadn't lived up to my 'potential' whatever that means. 
I felt like I had jagged edges. I couldn't settle. I tried to throw myself into careers and relationships that seemed on the surface to have so much promise, but they left me confused and unfulfilled.

By the time I met my husband, I was already attempting to soften my edges with wine, on a daily basis.

It took a "shift". I am not really sure how or why it occurred. But I am just glad it did.

Lots of amazing things have happened since I put down the bottle. Much of my work is now centred around writing, lots of it business orientated and some of it might even be considered "motivational" ......hmmm does that mean that it really can be a job...

And I find myself open to all sort of "New Age-y" wisdom.




WB.
xx.