Navigating Christmas without booze...a few words..
Christmas Time
WB xx
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, 24 December 2016
Wednesday, 16 March 2016
Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Why I'm Proud of My Husband......
We got some positive news today, about my husband's business venture. It's not set in stone yet, we don't have any paperwork yet (my husband isn't big on paperwork), but it's a step forward. A really good start to the New Year....
I am proud of my husband. He kept going with this venture, in the face of almost impossible odds. People doubted, people laughed, people down right disbelieved him and trust me, it's been a struggle sometimes, as cash flow dried up, and we sat looking at each other, wondering how long we could keep going.
Luckily for us, in among all the naysayers, were some extremely important cheerleaders. They know who they are. And we are truly grateful.
My husband is grateful too.
But there is one person who stands out. One person who doesn't really understand about the business, and who couldn't have contributed a dollar, even though she would have donated all of her money, if she had any.
So this morning, after we got two exciting calls, my husband phoned his mum.
And that there, is why I'm proud of him.
Not because he has this amazing ability to create products, not because of his determination, not because of his sense of humour in the face of adversity, but because of his gratitude and love for his mum.
You can tell the measure of a man by the way he treats his mother
My mother-in-law is very religious. Her "other" family is her church. She is devoted, to the point that she pays a tithe, even though she is not far off the poverty line herself.
There are some, my husband included, who regards this particular Church as a cult. And certainly, it would seem that my mother-in-law made some harsh parenting choices, as a result of her religious fervour.
She was a disciplinarian, and was certainly not afraid to use corporal punishment
She insisted that the kids all go to Church every Saturday
She disapproved of just about all "normal" teenage activities.
She was blind to the dark side of the Church, the injustices and the cruelty.
She was also married to an alcoholic (although my late father-in-law sobered up, later in life), and was often responsible for feeding and clothing of six kids with virtually zero income.
When I speak to her now, there is not a trace of bitterness towards her late husband, although his alcoholism left them in debt, and her in poverty when he died.
Her hatred is directed towards alcohol itself.
"I've seen what alcohol can do" she says..."It's evil and destructive"
She's not just talking about my late father-in-law. She witnessed violence and abuse fueled by booze in the community where she worked as a teacher.
She was very supportive when I told her I was quitting drinking.
"That's marvelous, you'll be so much happier. Alcohol never brought anyone any happiness"
My husband often says...'if it wasn't for mum, I would never achieved anything, because I've no idea where we would have ended up....."
His gratitude translates into practical help for her these days. When the business takes off (and I know it will), top of the "to-do" list is to make sure we can provide a comfortable lifestyle for her, for the rest of her life.
So would I still be proud of all my husband's achievements, if he didn't hold his mum in such high regard? If he didn't take care of her?
I don't know. I wouldn't have married him.
I am proud of my husband. He kept going with this venture, in the face of almost impossible odds. People doubted, people laughed, people down right disbelieved him and trust me, it's been a struggle sometimes, as cash flow dried up, and we sat looking at each other, wondering how long we could keep going.
Luckily for us, in among all the naysayers, were some extremely important cheerleaders. They know who they are. And we are truly grateful.
My husband is grateful too.
But there is one person who stands out. One person who doesn't really understand about the business, and who couldn't have contributed a dollar, even though she would have donated all of her money, if she had any.
So this morning, after we got two exciting calls, my husband phoned his mum.
And that there, is why I'm proud of him.
Not because he has this amazing ability to create products, not because of his determination, not because of his sense of humour in the face of adversity, but because of his gratitude and love for his mum.
You can tell the measure of a man by the way he treats his mother
My mother-in-law is very religious. Her "other" family is her church. She is devoted, to the point that she pays a tithe, even though she is not far off the poverty line herself.
There are some, my husband included, who regards this particular Church as a cult. And certainly, it would seem that my mother-in-law made some harsh parenting choices, as a result of her religious fervour.
She was a disciplinarian, and was certainly not afraid to use corporal punishment
She insisted that the kids all go to Church every Saturday
She disapproved of just about all "normal" teenage activities.
She was blind to the dark side of the Church, the injustices and the cruelty.
She was also married to an alcoholic (although my late father-in-law sobered up, later in life), and was often responsible for feeding and clothing of six kids with virtually zero income.
When I speak to her now, there is not a trace of bitterness towards her late husband, although his alcoholism left them in debt, and her in poverty when he died.
Her hatred is directed towards alcohol itself.
"I've seen what alcohol can do" she says..."It's evil and destructive"
She's not just talking about my late father-in-law. She witnessed violence and abuse fueled by booze in the community where she worked as a teacher.
She was very supportive when I told her I was quitting drinking.
"That's marvelous, you'll be so much happier. Alcohol never brought anyone any happiness"
My husband often says...'if it wasn't for mum, I would never achieved anything, because I've no idea where we would have ended up....."
His gratitude translates into practical help for her these days. When the business takes off (and I know it will), top of the "to-do" list is to make sure we can provide a comfortable lifestyle for her, for the rest of her life.
So would I still be proud of all my husband's achievements, if he didn't hold his mum in such high regard? If he didn't take care of her?
I don't know. I wouldn't have married him.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
Happy 103rd Birthday!
If my Grandmother was still alive, she would have been 103 today. (coinciding with my 103rd day sober!) She died when she was 99.
She was a Londoner. She was born in Stepney, a small suburb I guess, in the East End of London. She was married quite young and had my Dad, and then sadly, my Grandfather died of TB - a common disease that had not, at that time, been contained.
As a single mum, she worked as a housemaid. She met her second husband, who was also widowed, they married, and my Dad had an instant family of two stepbrothers.
In the years that followed, my Grandmother raised her family, and ran several very successful businesses with my step grandfather, before retiring in Worthing, a small seaside town. She was widowed for the second time, when I was about six years old. She had eight grandchildren and two great grandchildren when she passed away.
My mother was introduced to her as my Dad's girlfriend, and then fiance. My Mum's family was Irish. At that time, there was considerable prejudice towards the Irish, they were generally considered dirty and drunkards.
At their first meeting, my mother tells how my Grandmother gave her a withering stare and said "I suppose some Irish families are clean"
That was not a Good Start. I don't know the whole story, but as I got older, I was more aware that my Mum had quite a tough time of it, due to her outrageous sin of stealing away my Dad, my grandmother's Golden Boy.
When my grandmother reached her eighties, it was obvious she was starting to suffer from dementia. There were many discussions in our household of how best to care for her.
My mother (wisely) put one boundary in place. She would do whatever was necessary to look after my Grandmother, but she could not come and live with her and Dad.
My Dad agreed, and so began nearly twenty years of caring for my elderly grandmother.
We tag-teamed. My Mum and Dad ( newly retired themselves) would visit almost every day during the week. Myself and my brother would take turns at the weekends. My lovely sister-in-law, even with a new born baby would drive two hours to visit, if my brother was away working.
She was insistent that her new daughter should get to know her Great Grandmother.
Notably absent from this arrangement were my step uncles and their families. Rarely would they visit. I was angry about this. My Dad tried to explain.
"It was difficult. They both lost their own mum, and they thought that mum favoured me. She tried to treat us all the same, but it was hard for all of us."
But she loved them, fed them, clothed them, made sure they went to school, did everything she could. And then she adored all her grandchildren.
I was still pissed.
My mother took on the greatest burden. Nearing the end, before Nan had to go into a nursing home, my mum would bathe her and dress her. She also did most of the laundry, cleaning and cooking.
I worried about my parents. They were exhausted. They had so little time to enjoy their retirement. Looking after Nan was all consuming.
Not once did her sister in laws offer to help.
After Nan died, there was the obligatory family gathering, and as my brother watched my anger rise as my cousins wept their phony tears, he took me by the hand, and said'
"We have the best memories"
A couple of years later, I asked Mum
"How did you do it? Nan was never that nice to you, but you did everything for her"
She was genuinely surprised.
"Your Grandmother was an old lady who needed help. She was also the only mum I knew for most of my life (Her own mum died when she was eighteen), and she was your grandmother. She was my family. I only did for Nan what I would have done for my own mum"
Part of getting sober for me is not just putting down the bottle, as hard as that is. It's also working through all the bullshit and deciding what kind of person I want to be. It's letting go of old anger and recriminations, and realizing that the only control I have, is over my own life and my own actions.
It's behaving in a way that doesn't keep me awake at night.
And it's not giving a shit about how other people decide to live their lives.
Happy Birthday Nan.xx
Saturday, 18 July 2015
Day 70- My Journey Here.
Day 70. Ten whole weeks.
If anyone had told me at the beginning of the year that I would be Without Wine for ten whole weeks, I would not have believed them.
I was worried about my drinking for about two or three years before I finally gave up. The last year was particularly hard, I was getting desperate to get the monkey off my back.
Last summer we had (as usual) a revolving door of visitors, including my parents. I had tried to commit to a "dry month", but a week in, and I had failed.
While my parents were here, I moderated as much as possible - I opted to drive them around, so I couldn't drink during the day, I tried drinking beer and cider instead of wine....I survived, but it was a rollercoaster ride.
When they left, Australian friends arrived. I had already read Jill Stark's book about giving up the booze for a year, in a country where the culture is soaked in alcohol - I tentatively brought up the subject of sobriety with our friends..
"Give up booze?" my friend Cath said..."That's not a world I want to live in..."
Consequently, I was drinking my way through their stay - having been convinced that my drinking was normal and fun.
When they left, my bubble burst again, and the next few months alternated between "For goodness sake, I'm being stupid and paranoid", and gathering clouds of depression and self loathing.
Like most people, at the beginning of 2015, I tried to write a list of goals, a vision for the year, and all I could write at the top of the page was 'give up drinking".
In April of this year, my husband's friend stayed with us. he is an alcoholic (and could be the subject of a whole other blog post), and he drank steadily through the nine days he was with us, and encouraged us to do the same.
At the end of a miserable week for me (when I was convinced that I would never be able to kick the booze habit....it's everywhere, all around me), we were booked to cater for a wedding ( a side project, as my husband is a great cook).
It turned out to be a 'red neck' affair - prominent members of the local chapter of the Hells Angels were there, the air was filled with a blue dope haze and I watched as one lady lurched into the barbeque and nearly set herself alight with hot chicken grease.....(also another blog post topic). Although I politely declined the offers of cheap beer, as guests stumbled in and out of the kitchen, on my way home, I wanted wine.
I drank the whole bottle, and the next morning, I had a hellish hangover - made worse by the dehydration of being in a hot kitchen the day before....and great joy.....it was Mother's Day and we had fifteen people coming over for a turkey dinner.
I just kept telling myself that the day would soon be over, as I swilled back water. Gradually I felt better. I didn't drink a thing, because the family members that showed up...didn't drink!~
I mentally compared our Mother's Day gathering to the wedding the day before. Which is most normal?
As I watched the kids play, and we laughed over family stories, ate good food....I already knew the answer.....
Mother's Day, May 9th 2015 was my day 1. Today is my day 70.
Have a fantastic weekend
xx.
If anyone had told me at the beginning of the year that I would be Without Wine for ten whole weeks, I would not have believed them.
I was worried about my drinking for about two or three years before I finally gave up. The last year was particularly hard, I was getting desperate to get the monkey off my back.
Last summer we had (as usual) a revolving door of visitors, including my parents. I had tried to commit to a "dry month", but a week in, and I had failed.
While my parents were here, I moderated as much as possible - I opted to drive them around, so I couldn't drink during the day, I tried drinking beer and cider instead of wine....I survived, but it was a rollercoaster ride.
When they left, Australian friends arrived. I had already read Jill Stark's book about giving up the booze for a year, in a country where the culture is soaked in alcohol - I tentatively brought up the subject of sobriety with our friends..
"Give up booze?" my friend Cath said..."That's not a world I want to live in..."
Consequently, I was drinking my way through their stay - having been convinced that my drinking was normal and fun.
When they left, my bubble burst again, and the next few months alternated between "For goodness sake, I'm being stupid and paranoid", and gathering clouds of depression and self loathing.
Like most people, at the beginning of 2015, I tried to write a list of goals, a vision for the year, and all I could write at the top of the page was 'give up drinking".
In April of this year, my husband's friend stayed with us. he is an alcoholic (and could be the subject of a whole other blog post), and he drank steadily through the nine days he was with us, and encouraged us to do the same.
At the end of a miserable week for me (when I was convinced that I would never be able to kick the booze habit....it's everywhere, all around me), we were booked to cater for a wedding ( a side project, as my husband is a great cook).
It turned out to be a 'red neck' affair - prominent members of the local chapter of the Hells Angels were there, the air was filled with a blue dope haze and I watched as one lady lurched into the barbeque and nearly set herself alight with hot chicken grease.....(also another blog post topic). Although I politely declined the offers of cheap beer, as guests stumbled in and out of the kitchen, on my way home, I wanted wine.
I drank the whole bottle, and the next morning, I had a hellish hangover - made worse by the dehydration of being in a hot kitchen the day before....and great joy.....it was Mother's Day and we had fifteen people coming over for a turkey dinner.
I just kept telling myself that the day would soon be over, as I swilled back water. Gradually I felt better. I didn't drink a thing, because the family members that showed up...didn't drink!~
I mentally compared our Mother's Day gathering to the wedding the day before. Which is most normal?
As I watched the kids play, and we laughed over family stories, ate good food....I already knew the answer.....
Mother's Day, May 9th 2015 was my day 1. Today is my day 70.
Have a fantastic weekend
xx.
Monday, 8 June 2015
Day 30
Yesterday's family event was a success!
Most importantly, the newly weds had fun, and enjoyed all the well deserved attention and good wishes.
Everyone loved the barbequed ribs (husband's specialty), and I got quite a few compliments for the rest of the spread. Which was nice.
Only a couple of mentions about alcohol....."Where's the wine?" (from a relative who shall remain unidentified, and who was well aware of the BYOB stipulation)
"Oh, we have sparkling water or soft drinks in the cooler" - totally avoiding the question.
Our family events have always included my husband's ex-wife and his ex-in-laws. It has always made life easier for my stepsons, and besides, I get on well with my husband's ex -wife and her family. Their divorce was thirty years ago, so any drama is well in the past.
Except for people who seemed bound and determined to "stir the shitpot"
And, I guess that I have been so absorbed in my wine glass at these events, that I never noticed until yesterday.
At first I thought I was being a little paranoid, and then as the afternoon went on, I really did pick up on some snide comments directed firstly at my husband's ex and then at myself (from the same wine seeking person)
Had I been drinking (and paying attention), my reaction may have ruined a perfectly good afternoon.
As it was, the sober me just cracked a joke, and linked arms with Ex-Wife and showed her round my garden.
My husband looked relieved and gave me a big kiss. Ex -wife whispered to me 'she always was a bitch" and we both laughed.
At the end of the evening, my stepson gave me a big hug.
"Thanks for everything. And I'm so proud of you"
I'm not sure if he meant for the new sober me, or for being respectful of his mum, but I teared up anyway.
Most importantly, the newly weds had fun, and enjoyed all the well deserved attention and good wishes.
Everyone loved the barbequed ribs (husband's specialty), and I got quite a few compliments for the rest of the spread. Which was nice.
Only a couple of mentions about alcohol....."Where's the wine?" (from a relative who shall remain unidentified, and who was well aware of the BYOB stipulation)
"Oh, we have sparkling water or soft drinks in the cooler" - totally avoiding the question.
Our family events have always included my husband's ex-wife and his ex-in-laws. It has always made life easier for my stepsons, and besides, I get on well with my husband's ex -wife and her family. Their divorce was thirty years ago, so any drama is well in the past.
Except for people who seemed bound and determined to "stir the shitpot"
And, I guess that I have been so absorbed in my wine glass at these events, that I never noticed until yesterday.
At first I thought I was being a little paranoid, and then as the afternoon went on, I really did pick up on some snide comments directed firstly at my husband's ex and then at myself (from the same wine seeking person)
Had I been drinking (and paying attention), my reaction may have ruined a perfectly good afternoon.
As it was, the sober me just cracked a joke, and linked arms with Ex-Wife and showed her round my garden.
My husband looked relieved and gave me a big kiss. Ex -wife whispered to me 'she always was a bitch" and we both laughed.
At the end of the evening, my stepson gave me a big hug.
"Thanks for everything. And I'm so proud of you"
I'm not sure if he meant for the new sober me, or for being respectful of his mum, but I teared up anyway.
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Day 29 - Family Gathering
It's a glorious sunny Sunday morning, and I was up early (hangover free, of course), and I watered my garden, coffee in hand.
Today we have a casual gathering at our home to celebrate my stepson's marriage. We have invited ALL the family, despite long running family feuds between various factions.
Before, this would have caused me some stress, which I would naturally try to medicate with wine. Today, I don't care. The day is about the happy couple, and if people can't put aside their petty grievances, then they can leave.
ALSO - for the first time ever, I am not providing alcohol.
We have a vast array of delicious food, barbeque ribs, fresh salmon, and all kinds of salads, which I have prepared (hangover free, yay) .
People have asked what they should bring - and instead of requesting that they contribute to the food, I have said 'please bring whatever you would like to drink".
Now, this will cause consternation for a couple of individuals. Due to my previous drinking addiction, I always provided vast quantities of wine, mainly to encourage drinking to cover up my habit. However, it has not gone unnoticed (especially by my husband) that this "generosity" has been taken advantage of in the past.
So today is the start of a new tradition. I did feel a little mean at first....then I looked at my grocery bill (sans alcohol), and that cheered me up immensely.
Of course, I may have to explain why our house is dry (apart from my husband's really good whiskey, which was also raided in the past, so it's now hidden), and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This morning, I am just loving the fact that it's before nine am, I have enjoyed the morning, prepared food, gardened, and drank coffee, written this blog....all clear headed and cheery!
Enjoy your day xx
Today we have a casual gathering at our home to celebrate my stepson's marriage. We have invited ALL the family, despite long running family feuds between various factions.
Before, this would have caused me some stress, which I would naturally try to medicate with wine. Today, I don't care. The day is about the happy couple, and if people can't put aside their petty grievances, then they can leave.
ALSO - for the first time ever, I am not providing alcohol.
We have a vast array of delicious food, barbeque ribs, fresh salmon, and all kinds of salads, which I have prepared (hangover free, yay) .
People have asked what they should bring - and instead of requesting that they contribute to the food, I have said 'please bring whatever you would like to drink".
Now, this will cause consternation for a couple of individuals. Due to my previous drinking addiction, I always provided vast quantities of wine, mainly to encourage drinking to cover up my habit. However, it has not gone unnoticed (especially by my husband) that this "generosity" has been taken advantage of in the past.
So today is the start of a new tradition. I did feel a little mean at first....then I looked at my grocery bill (sans alcohol), and that cheered me up immensely.
Of course, I may have to explain why our house is dry (apart from my husband's really good whiskey, which was also raided in the past, so it's now hidden), and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This morning, I am just loving the fact that it's before nine am, I have enjoyed the morning, prepared food, gardened, and drank coffee, written this blog....all clear headed and cheery!
Enjoy your day xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)