No idea what happened to Day 31 (also my first month sober anniversary!), but all the energy I have had over the last weeks ebbed away, and I ended up napping the afternoon away.. but I was woken by a phone call from my brother -in-law, who was thanking me for introducing him to the fabulous drama series "Mad Men".
For those of you who have never watched it, very simplistically, it documents the rise and fall of the advertising industry from 1960 to the 1970's, through the eyes of the very handsome and enigmatic protagonist, Don Draper.
There are many layers to this well written drama, and each character is built beautifully, as they react to changes in their personal lives during the backdrop of America in that most tumultuous time ....(wow I sound like a reviewer). And I have been especially riveted to the fantastic fashions...oh I wish (for once) that I had been born a couple of decades earlier!
What is relevant to my newly sober self....is firstly the reminder that smoking was seen as completely harmless and "cool" (although we see the start of the struggle of the tobacco industry, reacting against the first health findings from brave researchers), which seems to echo the social acceptance of the alcohol industry now, and secondly, seeing executives pour themselves a large scotch or whatever...at any time during the day!!
Alcoholism is viewed as a character flaw. During one scene, an account executive is so drunk that he pees his pants....and is sent home in disgrace. The disgust of his colleagues is evident - the poor man "can't hold his drink".
Towards the end of the series, we see a large alcohol company discuss an advertising campaign for a "light" beer. Throughout each episode, we are given an insight to how advertising campaigns work to pull us in - not selling the actual product - but selling how the product makes us feel .......
Here we are, nearly half a century later, and we don't seem to have moved on at all.
Alcoholism or alcohol dependency is still seen as an personal failing, and the alcohol industry, partnered with the advertising industry (with a whole unregulated social media platform) is selling us on how hip and cool we'll be if we drink this beverage, or how sophisticated we must be if we drink this wine......
We are still Mad Men and Women......just without the fabulous wardrobe.
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
Monday, 8 June 2015
Day 30
Yesterday's family event was a success!
Most importantly, the newly weds had fun, and enjoyed all the well deserved attention and good wishes.
Everyone loved the barbequed ribs (husband's specialty), and I got quite a few compliments for the rest of the spread. Which was nice.
Only a couple of mentions about alcohol....."Where's the wine?" (from a relative who shall remain unidentified, and who was well aware of the BYOB stipulation)
"Oh, we have sparkling water or soft drinks in the cooler" - totally avoiding the question.
Our family events have always included my husband's ex-wife and his ex-in-laws. It has always made life easier for my stepsons, and besides, I get on well with my husband's ex -wife and her family. Their divorce was thirty years ago, so any drama is well in the past.
Except for people who seemed bound and determined to "stir the shitpot"
And, I guess that I have been so absorbed in my wine glass at these events, that I never noticed until yesterday.
At first I thought I was being a little paranoid, and then as the afternoon went on, I really did pick up on some snide comments directed firstly at my husband's ex and then at myself (from the same wine seeking person)
Had I been drinking (and paying attention), my reaction may have ruined a perfectly good afternoon.
As it was, the sober me just cracked a joke, and linked arms with Ex-Wife and showed her round my garden.
My husband looked relieved and gave me a big kiss. Ex -wife whispered to me 'she always was a bitch" and we both laughed.
At the end of the evening, my stepson gave me a big hug.
"Thanks for everything. And I'm so proud of you"
I'm not sure if he meant for the new sober me, or for being respectful of his mum, but I teared up anyway.
Most importantly, the newly weds had fun, and enjoyed all the well deserved attention and good wishes.
Everyone loved the barbequed ribs (husband's specialty), and I got quite a few compliments for the rest of the spread. Which was nice.
Only a couple of mentions about alcohol....."Where's the wine?" (from a relative who shall remain unidentified, and who was well aware of the BYOB stipulation)
"Oh, we have sparkling water or soft drinks in the cooler" - totally avoiding the question.
Our family events have always included my husband's ex-wife and his ex-in-laws. It has always made life easier for my stepsons, and besides, I get on well with my husband's ex -wife and her family. Their divorce was thirty years ago, so any drama is well in the past.
Except for people who seemed bound and determined to "stir the shitpot"
And, I guess that I have been so absorbed in my wine glass at these events, that I never noticed until yesterday.
At first I thought I was being a little paranoid, and then as the afternoon went on, I really did pick up on some snide comments directed firstly at my husband's ex and then at myself (from the same wine seeking person)
Had I been drinking (and paying attention), my reaction may have ruined a perfectly good afternoon.
As it was, the sober me just cracked a joke, and linked arms with Ex-Wife and showed her round my garden.
My husband looked relieved and gave me a big kiss. Ex -wife whispered to me 'she always was a bitch" and we both laughed.
At the end of the evening, my stepson gave me a big hug.
"Thanks for everything. And I'm so proud of you"
I'm not sure if he meant for the new sober me, or for being respectful of his mum, but I teared up anyway.
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Day 29 - Family Gathering
It's a glorious sunny Sunday morning, and I was up early (hangover free, of course), and I watered my garden, coffee in hand.
Today we have a casual gathering at our home to celebrate my stepson's marriage. We have invited ALL the family, despite long running family feuds between various factions.
Before, this would have caused me some stress, which I would naturally try to medicate with wine. Today, I don't care. The day is about the happy couple, and if people can't put aside their petty grievances, then they can leave.
ALSO - for the first time ever, I am not providing alcohol.
We have a vast array of delicious food, barbeque ribs, fresh salmon, and all kinds of salads, which I have prepared (hangover free, yay) .
People have asked what they should bring - and instead of requesting that they contribute to the food, I have said 'please bring whatever you would like to drink".
Now, this will cause consternation for a couple of individuals. Due to my previous drinking addiction, I always provided vast quantities of wine, mainly to encourage drinking to cover up my habit. However, it has not gone unnoticed (especially by my husband) that this "generosity" has been taken advantage of in the past.
So today is the start of a new tradition. I did feel a little mean at first....then I looked at my grocery bill (sans alcohol), and that cheered me up immensely.
Of course, I may have to explain why our house is dry (apart from my husband's really good whiskey, which was also raided in the past, so it's now hidden), and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This morning, I am just loving the fact that it's before nine am, I have enjoyed the morning, prepared food, gardened, and drank coffee, written this blog....all clear headed and cheery!
Enjoy your day xx
Today we have a casual gathering at our home to celebrate my stepson's marriage. We have invited ALL the family, despite long running family feuds between various factions.
Before, this would have caused me some stress, which I would naturally try to medicate with wine. Today, I don't care. The day is about the happy couple, and if people can't put aside their petty grievances, then they can leave.
ALSO - for the first time ever, I am not providing alcohol.
We have a vast array of delicious food, barbeque ribs, fresh salmon, and all kinds of salads, which I have prepared (hangover free, yay) .
People have asked what they should bring - and instead of requesting that they contribute to the food, I have said 'please bring whatever you would like to drink".
Now, this will cause consternation for a couple of individuals. Due to my previous drinking addiction, I always provided vast quantities of wine, mainly to encourage drinking to cover up my habit. However, it has not gone unnoticed (especially by my husband) that this "generosity" has been taken advantage of in the past.
So today is the start of a new tradition. I did feel a little mean at first....then I looked at my grocery bill (sans alcohol), and that cheered me up immensely.
Of course, I may have to explain why our house is dry (apart from my husband's really good whiskey, which was also raided in the past, so it's now hidden), and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This morning, I am just loving the fact that it's before nine am, I have enjoyed the morning, prepared food, gardened, and drank coffee, written this blog....all clear headed and cheery!
Enjoy your day xx
Saturday, 6 June 2015
Day 28 Easing Into Summer
Day 28. I can hardly believe that it was four weeks ago that I had my last glass of wine.
Here on Vancouver Island, summer has arrived. Sitting on my porch, this sunny Saturday, I can hear the rumble of a hay baler from the farm next door, and I can see small gaggles of teenagers heading to the river with their swimming gear.
My vegetable garden has sprung into action, and I actually picked my first strawberry this morning.
Everything is the same this year, and everything is different.
Over the last four weeks, not only have I been AF, we (husband and I) have been making an effort to be healthier.
Since I put my fears into words, my husband came clean about his fears too. He has battled with his weight for years. I haven't helped - excessive drinking has lead to poor dietary choices, as well as the thousands of empty calories consumed in liquid form.
So we have tried something that I have always regarded as slightly ridiculous, and only for the "health nuts' among us - juicing.
Yes, we have consumed green juice, squished out from half a ton of kale. Ok, that's an exaggeration.
Actually, we have juiced our way through almost ten times the amount of veg and fruit that we usually consume. We have substituted two meals a day with fresh juice, and eat a healthy meal with a mountain of salad for the third.
The result? Well I have lost 12 pounds in the last four weeks (some of it undoubtedly due to being AF) and my husband has lost 17 pounds.
Now, as well as my obsession with sober blogs, sober memoirs and documentaries about alcohol, my husband is now just as obsessive about food...."Did you see how much sugar is in this?"....waving a jar of peanut butter furiously at me...."Are they TRYING to kill us? " (Loud voice in supermarket)....."Don't eat that cereal !".......(To his bewildered grandson)....."You'll end up diabetic!" This summer we might just be the most boring couple alive!
Here on Vancouver Island, summer has arrived. Sitting on my porch, this sunny Saturday, I can hear the rumble of a hay baler from the farm next door, and I can see small gaggles of teenagers heading to the river with their swimming gear.
My vegetable garden has sprung into action, and I actually picked my first strawberry this morning.
Everything is the same this year, and everything is different.
Over the last four weeks, not only have I been AF, we (husband and I) have been making an effort to be healthier.
Since I put my fears into words, my husband came clean about his fears too. He has battled with his weight for years. I haven't helped - excessive drinking has lead to poor dietary choices, as well as the thousands of empty calories consumed in liquid form.
So we have tried something that I have always regarded as slightly ridiculous, and only for the "health nuts' among us - juicing.
Yes, we have consumed green juice, squished out from half a ton of kale. Ok, that's an exaggeration.
Actually, we have juiced our way through almost ten times the amount of veg and fruit that we usually consume. We have substituted two meals a day with fresh juice, and eat a healthy meal with a mountain of salad for the third.
The result? Well I have lost 12 pounds in the last four weeks (some of it undoubtedly due to being AF) and my husband has lost 17 pounds.
Now, as well as my obsession with sober blogs, sober memoirs and documentaries about alcohol, my husband is now just as obsessive about food...."Did you see how much sugar is in this?"....waving a jar of peanut butter furiously at me...."Are they TRYING to kill us? " (Loud voice in supermarket)....."Don't eat that cereal !".......(To his bewildered grandson)....."You'll end up diabetic!" This summer we might just be the most boring couple alive!
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Day 26
Day 26 and my first sober celebration. My stepson arrived to stay with us, bringing his new bride. They live in the Yukon, and had their marriage ceremony with just my stepson's two children present. With our huge blended family, and living so far away, they made a wise decision.
When they arrived, of course a bottle of chilled champagne was ready, and we toasted the happy couple - except mine was sparkling water.
I did feel a pang - which went away, when my new daughter-in-law said " You look so great and so healthy!"
We have a large barbeque arranged for Sunday. It will be Day 29, and I remember the last large family gathering we had on May 9th - Mother's Day. It was Day 1, and I had an absolute humdinger of a hangover.
I am looking forward to hosting this Sunday, with a clear head and a happy smile.
When they arrived, of course a bottle of chilled champagne was ready, and we toasted the happy couple - except mine was sparkling water.
I did feel a pang - which went away, when my new daughter-in-law said " You look so great and so healthy!"
We have a large barbeque arranged for Sunday. It will be Day 29, and I remember the last large family gathering we had on May 9th - Mother's Day. It was Day 1, and I had an absolute humdinger of a hangover.
I am looking forward to hosting this Sunday, with a clear head and a happy smile.
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Day 25 - The "Cause" of Alcoholism
Day 25, and sad news this morning of the passing of Charles Kennedy (see Mummy was a Secret Drinker), his death not yet officially attributed to his long battle with alcoholism.
On this side of the pond, the major news story is the much awaited report from the Truth and Reconciliation Committee, that was formed to examine the very dark subject of Residential Schools. For those of you not in Canada, First Nations families were ripped apart by the Canadian Government, who decreed that native children should be sent away to residential schools, in order to educate them to be 'civilized"
If you are thinking that this must have happened in the 1800's, you would be mistaken, the last residential school closed down in 1996.
The abuse that these children suffered is incomprehensible to any decent human being. The ripple effect on families and communities cannot begin to be evaluated.
The Truth and Reconciliation Committee have made a fine start in the healing process that will no doubt take many generations before closure on this painful period of history.
Why am I blogging about this? Firstly, because I am married to a full status native (as defined under the Indian Act), and his father (my late father in law) was an alcoholic.
Alcoholism in Canada is generally perceived as a "First Nation's Issue".
1. Statistics show that a large percentage (not sure of the exact figures) of native communities suffer from alcoholism - far greater than any other section of the population
2. Its a widely held belief that much of this alcohol abuse is "caused" by the terrible trauma that First Nations people have suffered over the last centuries.
Now, I am not diminishing in ANY WAY the trauma and suffering that native people have endured (I have seen first hand, the family dysfunction that it caused), my objection is the premise that alcoholism has been directly "caused" by this situation.
I don't doubt for a second that many people drink to numb traumatic memories, to forget pain and suffering - hell, who wouldn't?
But don't you think we're letting Alcohol and the Alcohol Industry off the hook? Sure, horrible events may lead to the first drink and then the second.....but a lifetime of drinking surely has to be attributed to the addictive properties of Alcohol?
My point is that if collectively we assume that Alcoholism is primarily an issue for one community, or directly caused by traumatic events, how do we account for US? Yes - 'us" the white, middle-class, high functioning individuals who had great childhoods, fantastic careers, homes and families?
What "trauma" lead us to drink our first drink? And why did we carry on?
Yes - that's correct - ALCOHOL is ADDICTIVE!
So today, I hope that the Truth and Reconciliation Committee recognize that many First Nations people need help with TWO issues - firstly the counselling and ongoing healing process for the tragedies they endured at the hands of the white government and community, and secondly - the addiction and health problems caused by alcohol.
I also hope that open discussion of Charles Kennedy's alcoholism will show that even talented, famous, wealthy, privileged people can fall victim to alcohol's clutches.
And us? Well, I hope that we can eventually be less embarrassed about our addiction, stop navel gazing for deep seated flaws in our character, and accept that the only cause of alcoholism is Alcohol.
On this side of the pond, the major news story is the much awaited report from the Truth and Reconciliation Committee, that was formed to examine the very dark subject of Residential Schools. For those of you not in Canada, First Nations families were ripped apart by the Canadian Government, who decreed that native children should be sent away to residential schools, in order to educate them to be 'civilized"
If you are thinking that this must have happened in the 1800's, you would be mistaken, the last residential school closed down in 1996.
The abuse that these children suffered is incomprehensible to any decent human being. The ripple effect on families and communities cannot begin to be evaluated.
The Truth and Reconciliation Committee have made a fine start in the healing process that will no doubt take many generations before closure on this painful period of history.
Why am I blogging about this? Firstly, because I am married to a full status native (as defined under the Indian Act), and his father (my late father in law) was an alcoholic.
Alcoholism in Canada is generally perceived as a "First Nation's Issue".
1. Statistics show that a large percentage (not sure of the exact figures) of native communities suffer from alcoholism - far greater than any other section of the population
2. Its a widely held belief that much of this alcohol abuse is "caused" by the terrible trauma that First Nations people have suffered over the last centuries.
Now, I am not diminishing in ANY WAY the trauma and suffering that native people have endured (I have seen first hand, the family dysfunction that it caused), my objection is the premise that alcoholism has been directly "caused" by this situation.
I don't doubt for a second that many people drink to numb traumatic memories, to forget pain and suffering - hell, who wouldn't?
But don't you think we're letting Alcohol and the Alcohol Industry off the hook? Sure, horrible events may lead to the first drink and then the second.....but a lifetime of drinking surely has to be attributed to the addictive properties of Alcohol?
My point is that if collectively we assume that Alcoholism is primarily an issue for one community, or directly caused by traumatic events, how do we account for US? Yes - 'us" the white, middle-class, high functioning individuals who had great childhoods, fantastic careers, homes and families?
What "trauma" lead us to drink our first drink? And why did we carry on?
Yes - that's correct - ALCOHOL is ADDICTIVE!
So today, I hope that the Truth and Reconciliation Committee recognize that many First Nations people need help with TWO issues - firstly the counselling and ongoing healing process for the tragedies they endured at the hands of the white government and community, and secondly - the addiction and health problems caused by alcohol.
I also hope that open discussion of Charles Kennedy's alcoholism will show that even talented, famous, wealthy, privileged people can fall victim to alcohol's clutches.
And us? Well, I hope that we can eventually be less embarrassed about our addiction, stop navel gazing for deep seated flaws in our character, and accept that the only cause of alcoholism is Alcohol.
Monday, 1 June 2015
Day 23 Life Without Drama
I've noticed that there is a lot less "drama" in my life at the moment. By "drama" I mean those day to day little incidents that get blown out of proportion, gossiped about, stressed about, and involve hours of "putting the world to rights" or boozy tantrums. And that was just me.
Is there any less stress in my life? Absolutely not. We are still struggling with our businesses, we still have people in our lives that are unsupportive, there are still family situations that need to be resolved.
The difference is that I am dealing with the stuff that I can resolve, and avoiding the stuff that it not mine to resolve. I am not giving my drunken opinion, I am not phoning random people to complain, in short....I have stopped being a "total pain in the rear end Drama Queen".
A few years ago, after a difficult relationship break - up, and the start of another tumultuous relationship that turned decidedly toxic (all which coincided with the start of really heavy wine drinking), I met a lady who latched on to me like a barnacle.
She was married (albeit unhappily), and a set of family circumstances that sounded to me like a particularly bad episode of 'Dallas". Every day would bring a new 'crisis".
We became drinking buddies.
It was the first time I had a glimpse into my future.
Every day the phone would ring in the morning..."Could you take my daughter to school? I don't feel well"...."Come over for lunch"......."I'm coming over, I have wine...."....." I've had a terrible day (sob)...just come and bring wine..."
I couldn't get rid of her.
Finally, circumstances changed, I moved out of the area, my phone number changed....and although I felt badly at the time, we just lost touch, and I have never made the effort to rekindle that "friendship".
Today, as I look back, I suspect that I was the self absorbed, selfish barnacle that people were hoping to scrape off.
Looking forward, I hope to be a better friend.
Is there any less stress in my life? Absolutely not. We are still struggling with our businesses, we still have people in our lives that are unsupportive, there are still family situations that need to be resolved.
The difference is that I am dealing with the stuff that I can resolve, and avoiding the stuff that it not mine to resolve. I am not giving my drunken opinion, I am not phoning random people to complain, in short....I have stopped being a "total pain in the rear end Drama Queen".
A few years ago, after a difficult relationship break - up, and the start of another tumultuous relationship that turned decidedly toxic (all which coincided with the start of really heavy wine drinking), I met a lady who latched on to me like a barnacle.
She was married (albeit unhappily), and a set of family circumstances that sounded to me like a particularly bad episode of 'Dallas". Every day would bring a new 'crisis".
We became drinking buddies.
It was the first time I had a glimpse into my future.
Every day the phone would ring in the morning..."Could you take my daughter to school? I don't feel well"...."Come over for lunch"......."I'm coming over, I have wine...."....." I've had a terrible day (sob)...just come and bring wine..."
I couldn't get rid of her.
Finally, circumstances changed, I moved out of the area, my phone number changed....and although I felt badly at the time, we just lost touch, and I have never made the effort to rekindle that "friendship".
Today, as I look back, I suspect that I was the self absorbed, selfish barnacle that people were hoping to scrape off.
Looking forward, I hope to be a better friend.
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