I woke up this morning feeling.......nothing. How weird. Over the last 10 days or so, I have been waking up feeling elated that I didn't drink the previous day...And regardless of how I have felt physically, emotionally and mentally I have been cheering and doing handstands (in my head).
This feeling wears off around 3.00pm, when I start twitching a little and clock watching for the magic hour of Five O'clock.
When Five O'clock comes, I have either taken myself into the garden to weed, or I have worked a little longer, and somehow the mental craving for wine lessens.
But this morning...flatness. Of course, I have only really experienced depression, shame, grumpiness, and self loathing in the morning, along with queasiness, sweatiness, and bloatedness (not sure if that's a word), for the last fifteen years, followed by the aforementioned elated and happy feelings over the last ten or so days, so this "nothingness" was a bit of a surprise.
I am sad? No. Happy? No. Angry? No...... Just flat.
Is this how "normal " people feel?
So I drank my coffee....still loving how that tastes in the morning without the acid stomach and heartburn.....and fiddled around in the garden, and very soon, I was humming and weeding and chatting to my cat.
I have read so much about how people have suppressed their feelings with alcohol that they get weepy and emotional when they stop drinking. I think for me that this is the other way around. My emotions were heightened when drinking, I could get really angry and argumentative, cry, laught hysterically....and every little situation was a Huge Dramatic Incident.
I don't want to sound all "navel gazey", but I think that part of the reason I drank, was that I was afraid of "flat" and "normal".
Actually, I think this flatness is really peace and calm. It's not so bad!!