Saturday, 20 June 2015

Day 42 - I'm a Carrot Person.

No, I'm not orange.
I love rewards. I am motivated by the carrot, not the stick.
In school, I loved gold stars, A pluses, the "well done"'s. And as I got older, I still craved approval.
I did almost everything, in the hope that someone would say 'Good job, Jackie!"
When it dawned on me that we don't get accolades for normal things like holding down a job, paying bills on time, and keeping the car serviced and clean, I began to make grandiose plans in the hope that one day, I would get thunderous applause for my achievements.
Now, I know that there is nothing wrong with Big Dreams, but mine were all for the wrong reasons.
Consequently, I became a Really Good Starter.....but I rarely followed through on any project.
I think, looking back, that I used wine firstly as a "reward" and then to take the edges off my disappointment in myself.
And so began a vicious circle, I was drinking because I wasn't doing anything I was proud of, and no-one else was proud of me either, and because I was drinking, I was less likely to do anything to raise my self esteem....and so on...
I am slowly learning the lesson that self esteem and pride comes from within, not externally. I know the theory, it's getting to grips with the practical part that's taking the time.
I am looking at parts of my business, and trying to sort out the bits that make my heart sing, and the parts that I am doing for other people's approval.
I am starting projects in the home, because they bring me peace, or a sense of accomplishment - like my garden.
I am cleaning the house, and de-cluttering because it helps me to feel orderly, not because I am wanting my husband to compliment me.
I'm not drinking wine because of the way it makes me feel to be sober - proud of myself, and calm.
And yet....when I do get a pat on the does feel nice.....I opened the fridge last night and found an unexpected reward inside....... "you've worked really hard on the garden, and the business, and it's Friday! - my husband said.
The funny thing? It's a carrot cake.


  1. He's a keeper, WB!
    You're doing great! Enjoy your Sunday x

  2. That is awesome.
    Applaud yourself. Every single day. That's the only approval that really means anything.

    1. It's becoming easier, thank you xx

  3. I love this. How sweet! Great post. Thank you for the inspiration.*

  4. Proud of myself and calm... Great words. You have said it beautifully.