I moved into my husband's home and sold mine when we decided to get married. It was a practical decision, I had been living in his home just about full time anyway.
Mr WB had been a bachelor for about 15 years, since his divorce.
When I moved in, I was reluctant to be one of "those women" who insist on changing everything (although I had to clean the grime, and ask him to move the fishing rods and tackle boxes out of the bedroom)
One thing that did and still bothers me is that we have a revolving door of people who just think it's OK to drop in and stay.
Mr WB's friends would often drive by the house early in the morning, see the truck parked, and drop in for coffee.
I know that maybe it's the British in me, maybe it's a cultural thing, but I get irritated when I am in the middle of something, and I have to stop and visit, and be polite.
When I was drinking lots of wine, an impromptu interruption in the afternoon just meant that I started drinking earlier. The rest of the day was wiped out.
Obviously, I didn't get a lot done.
It was a double-edged sword - the visits were annoying, but on the other hand, they gave me (or so I rationalized) an excuse to start on the wine earlier.
Consequently, no boundaries were ever put in place - as far as people were concerned, our home was "open house" - kind of like "Cheers" , the place where everyone knows your name.
Now I am no longer drinking - I am struggling with this and it's become a source of tension.
Today, it all came to a head.
As you are aware, Mr' WB's friend is staying (we've already had plenty of drama - another blog post is on it's way).
And today, BF#2's daughter is joining him. I wasn't told until today. I don't know this lady. No one asked me if it was OK. No one asked me if it was convenient.
Because it was always OK before.
It caused an argument. I didn't handle it well.
It's highlighted the dilemma of change to a sober life - as we start to feel comfortable with this new life, and start to make changes, our environment and our social circles are sometimes slower to adapt.
P.S. its about five hours since I wrote this. And reading it back, I sound pretty whiny and self absorbed - someone came to visit and didn't ask - poor me! I am not usually such a miserable cow. I did rescue the day, and we had a nice evening with BF#2's daughter. I am just grateful that I am sober, and I didn't allow my grouchy mood to spiral out of control - which would have happened if I was drinking wine. Tomorrow is a new day.
You do not sound Whitney or self absorbed.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a person who is tired of entertaining others.
Once e company leave perhaps you and mr wb can have a clam discussion where you make it clear that you are done with the impromptu visits. Or you will start answering the door and politely turning people away.
Our house was often called the Simpsons sports bar. Our door was open, I loved the ability to drink whenever people came by.
We put an end to that early in sobriety. Not me, although I was relieved, but my husband. He just told people who stopped by to go away. It sounds rude, but it wa s'more like- sorry, nowis not a good time. Call next time please.
It worked quickly.
Boundaries are hard to discuss, but vital. Put your needs first. It is such a smart thing to do.
Ps. We also made it I house alcohol free. That really cut down on th drop ins.
Hugs. Anne
Thanks Anne. I no longer have any wine in the house. My husband has a bottle of whiskey (that is not remotely tempting to me) and it's out of sight. We used to have wine/whiskey/cider available all the time. I have noticed that once I offer iced tea or soda, the visits are much shorter, lol!
DeleteI will have a chat with husband - he is tired of it too, it's an issue that we haven't yet tackled properly. And it hasn't helped that this week I am over emotional (good old PAWS!) so instead of calmly talking, I am bursting into tears - which is hugely irritating!